Survivor San Juan Del Sur Recap
Episode 3

Actions vs. Accusations

By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis

October 13, 2014

His Survivor playing is bad and he should feel bad.

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Previously on Survivor, a person claimed to have two immunity idols. More amusingly, the person to whom she made this claim already had an immunity idol. Most amusingly, the other person totally believed the lie then was flabbergasted at Tribal Council when he discovered the truth. We say again that John Rocker is a big honkin’ doofus.

Suffice to say that Survivor: San Juan del Sur is not off to a roaring start. One tribe is 4-0 in challenges, which makes the other tribe the Oakland Raiders. And you cannot fire your coach on Survivor. Well, you can fire Coach by voting him out, and that is always funny, but Coach is not playing this season. In his absence, we consider John Rocker the new Coach, basically the worst insult we can give to a Survivor player over 5’5” tall.

Actually, the worst insult would go to anyone smaller than that but equally stupid and dishonest. Such a person is an ELR clone. The last one of those we saw was Brandon Hantz, who is probably still crying and throwing a tantrum, assuming he is not currently stalking a woman who is an evil temptress simply because she stirs a tickling sensation in Brandon’s trousers. These are the Survivor rules we have established over the years, and they have worked beautifully so far. Just once, it would be nice if the show cast a batch of contestants predicated upon survival skill, but we all know that will never happen.


Tonight’s episode promises to be the first step in determining just how far John Rocker goes this season. He made a promise last week to protect someone who was then voted out of the show. The man to whom he made the promise is still around, while the people who voted Rocker’s ally off the show have a solid alliance of which he is not a member. The only good news is that he does have an idol.

Well, we say that but the other good news is that since there is no non-zombie apocalypse scenario in which John Rocker wins Survivor, he should be dragged along for another dozen episodes. We really hope that doesn’t happen, though. The previews indicate that he threatens to beat up a woman tonight, which makes him Roger Goodell’s favorite contestant. It is probably not something that a person comfortable about their position in the game does, though.

What we are saying with all of the above is that John Rocker could easily make the final vote or he could just as easily go home tonight. Before you point out that he has an immunity idol to protect him tonight, consider this. Doesn’t John Rocker strike you as exactly the sort of player who would get voted out with an immunity idol in his back pocket? I mean, he couldn’t even count to three last week and the only read he made about another contestant was so bad that if it were the World Series of Poker, that YouTube clip would become the most popular video since David visited the dentist. “I’m holding trip aces, but you’re telling me that you have four aces. I know that I can’t beat that, so I better fold…”

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