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As annoying as #ThePaparazzi are, we instantly dislike Tiffany & Krista more. The chip-on-the-shoulderest team this year features a pair of former NFL cheerleaders. Krista is desperate for you to know that she’s more than just a dumb cheerleader since she has her Master’s degree. Meanwhile, Tiffany is a physician’s consultant.

That’s all the introductions we have time for, apparently, because here’s Phil and all the contestants at Venice Beach. Not only is Phil there, but so are a bunch of former Amazing Race contestants, including the winners of the first season. Apparently, they’re more interesting than three of this season’s actual teams.

The first stop this season will be Rio de Janeiro, but before teams can get on their way, they’ll hustle to some cabs that will whisk them off to a bike race. The winner of that sprint will receive the only ticket for the first flight to Brazil. The other teams will be left 30 minutes behind. One final note: Phil reminds us that the winner of this first leg will be awarded the Express Pass, which they’ll be able to use at a time that is advantageous to them.

During the cab ride over to the bike race, we meet #TheReporters. Kelsey & Joey love being on camera. The only thing they might love more than that is their own voices. They introduce themselves Ron Burgundy style, telling us that they are both news anchors and are also dating. Like many Racers before them, they’re going to use the show as a testing ground for their relationship. Like most of those, they’ll be on Tinder any minute now.

Kelly & Shevonne are everything that’s wrong with the world today. They describe themselves as reporters, but what they mean is that they work for TMZ. “Anything that you’re thinking about that’s happening… like Caitlyn Jenner or the Kardashians…” Did they just use “thinking” and “the Kardashians” in the same sentence (fragment)? These self-important blowhards go on to mention that they’re going to be mean, but that’s okay. Apparently #TeamTMZ’s job has trained them that being jerks is a positive. The sooner they’re out of the race, the better.

Ernest & Jin seem to be the first people on The Amazing Race with a real need to win. The brothers, nicknamed #TheDancers, claim that they live in their car and say that their dance performances are the only way they can put food in their bellies. We hope this is hyperbolic.

When the teams arrive at the “bike race,” they discover that they’re actually boatsthat are powered by an exercise bike sort of apparatus. One person pedals while the other one rides. Team members can also take turns pedaling.

Tanner & Josh have trouble pretty quick when their contraption breaks. Justin from #TheGreenTeam tells them that he would give them a tow, but they’re “beefcakes” so he’s leaving them behind. That’s the right call, because Justin & Diana are the first team to finish and will be the only team on the first flight. If they do get eliminated, they’re really bad at this game.

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