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This week’s power rankings reflect the fact that the men are two penises away from total elimination. And both of those dudes intentionally use “Zan” in their name. So, the men are toast. The moral of the story? If your parents name you Greg, call yourself Greg.

1) Kim Spradlin - When we consider the myriad characteristics of Survivor required to create a strong contender, we have an epiphany. A player must have the ability to deal with contentious personalities when they are at their most erratic. In addition, they must have the ability to compromise on a daily basis, deal with conflict through emotional detachment and ignore any comment made from a place of anger. In short, a wedding planner has the perfect skillset for Survivor. We complain about the show’s casting several times every season (NaOnka + Colton = perfect hate). Kim Spradlin is one of the best casting decisions in the show’s history.

2) Sabrina - Two people are playing the game. Sabrina is one of them.

3) Chelsea - Two people are playing the game. Chelsea is not one of them. Tarzan disrupts her focus too much.

4-6) Christina, Kat, Alicia -Picking the fourth best woman is similar to picking the most desirable STD. Christina is clearly the most intelligent of the three while Alicia is the vilest (human being alive) and Kat is the dumbest…let’s say least experienced. Why doesn’t Christina stand out, then? She is even more wishy-washy than Leif. Hey, what happened to Leif last week? Oh right, he was voted out. These non-committal players simply do not understand that taking a stance is a requisite aspect of winning the game. Meanwhile, Alicia wouldn’t win a popularity contest against Charles Manson and the programmers of Windows Millennium Edition. So, if we had to pick one out of the three as most likely to win, we grudgingly select Kat.

7) Tarzan - Last week, we would have selected Troyzan as the male most likely to win. Then, Troyzan went nuts. Unlike Ozzy, who competed with a charismatic flair against the largely incompetent group of people attempting to vote him out last season, Troyzan did everything but spit on the ancestral heritages of the remaining winning. A player cannot win if they are not respected. So, Tarzan cannot win either but he is in still in better shape than Troyzan right now.

8) Troyzan - Survivor 101: Never go off your meds in the middle of the season.

Previously on Survivor, the women revealed their alliance. Troyzan put a little kink in their plans to continue voting out the strongest guy when he won Immunity. At the same time, he also acted like a total tool to everyone still playing the game, thereby sealing his fate as the sour grapes Survivor of the year. When people would rather hang out with Tarzan than you, you're doing something very wrong. In the end, the women continued with the She Woman Man Haters club by eliminating Leif, the wishy-washiest guy this season. Kim seems to be in control of the game, but now is the time where if someone is going to make a move, they almost have to go for it.

After they return from Tribal Council, Tarzan explains the reason why he voted for Leif. He notes that the women are dominating the game, and now that it’s down to just him and Troyzan, they have to win Immunity to stay alive. That’s why rather than make a move and target someone from the power alliance (i.e. Troyzan’s target, Kim), he decided that laying low and voting with the ladies was the best strategy. Basically, this amounts to “I decided that not having a chance at winning was better than having a chance at winning.” No, we don’t understand it, either.

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