Survivor: One World Recap
Never Say Die
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
April 26, 2012

I always have the idol! Even when I don't have the idol, I have the idol!

This week’s power rankings reflect the fact that the men are two penises away from total elimination. And both of those dudes intentionally use “Zan” in their name. So, the men are toast. The moral of the story? If your parents name you Greg, call yourself Greg.

1) Kim Spradlin - When we consider the myriad characteristics of Survivor required to create a strong contender, we have an epiphany. A player must have the ability to deal with contentious personalities when they are at their most erratic. In addition, they must have the ability to compromise on a daily basis, deal with conflict through emotional detachment and ignore any comment made from a place of anger. In short, a wedding planner has the perfect skillset for Survivor. We complain about the show’s casting several times every season (NaOnka + Colton = perfect hate). Kim Spradlin is one of the best casting decisions in the show’s history.

2) Sabrina - Two people are playing the game. Sabrina is one of them.

3) Chelsea - Two people are playing the game. Chelsea is not one of them. Tarzan disrupts her focus too much.

4-6) Christina, Kat, Alicia -Picking the fourth best woman is similar to picking the most desirable STD. Christina is clearly the most intelligent of the three while Alicia is the vilest (human being alive) and Kat is the dumbest…let’s say least experienced. Why doesn’t Christina stand out, then? She is even more wishy-washy than Leif. Hey, what happened to Leif last week? Oh right, he was voted out. These non-committal players simply do not understand that taking a stance is a requisite aspect of winning the game. Meanwhile, Alicia wouldn’t win a popularity contest against Charles Manson and the programmers of Windows Millennium Edition. So, if we had to pick one out of the three as most likely to win, we grudgingly select Kat.

7) Tarzan - Last week, we would have selected Troyzan as the male most likely to win. Then, Troyzan went nuts. Unlike Ozzy, who competed with a charismatic flair against the largely incompetent group of people attempting to vote him out last season, Troyzan did everything but spit on the ancestral heritages of the remaining winning. A player cannot win if they are not respected. So, Tarzan cannot win either but he is in still in better shape than Troyzan right now.

8) Troyzan - Survivor 101: Never go off your meds in the middle of the season.

Previously on Survivor, the women revealed their alliance. Troyzan put a little kink in their plans to continue voting out the strongest guy when he won Immunity. At the same time, he also acted like a total tool to everyone still playing the game, thereby sealing his fate as the sour grapes Survivor of the year. When people would rather hang out with Tarzan than you, you're doing something very wrong. In the end, the women continued with the She Woman Man Haters club by eliminating Leif, the wishy-washiest guy this season. Kim seems to be in control of the game, but now is the time where if someone is going to make a move, they almost have to go for it.

After they return from Tribal Council, Tarzan explains the reason why he voted for Leif. He notes that the women are dominating the game, and now that it’s down to just him and Troyzan, they have to win Immunity to stay alive. That’s why rather than make a move and target someone from the power alliance (i.e. Troyzan’s target, Kim), he decided that laying low and voting with the ladies was the best strategy. Basically, this amounts to “I decided that not having a chance at winning was better than having a chance at winning.” No, we don’t understand it, either.

Kim reveals that she was a bit disconcerted to have Troyzan gunning for her at Tribal Council. She’s fully aware that she is in total control of the game at the moment, and was hoping that she might be able to get through a couple more rounds of voting before she became a target. Regardless, she’s pleased with the outcome so far, noting that the women’s alliance remains loyal and united.

Kim is a great player, but she doesn’t provide much in terms of comedy value.

Troyzan knows he’s in trouble. In fact, we might as well go ahead and play “It’s anyone but Troyzan.” For the rest of this episode, we will just refer to him as Dead Meat.

The producers waste absolutely no time. Tree mail arrives, and the Survivors are told that today’s Reward Challenge will require no physical exertion, but rather will use their powers of perception.

Kat thinks it’s high time that she gets to have a reward, and says that whether she wins or Kim wins, they have an arrangement to take each other to enjoy the prize. Kim makes the point that regardless of what happens, they don’t want to allow Troyzan, Alicia and Christina to be alone together. She’s thinking all the time.

Probst is here! The Reward Challenge is effectively a popularity contest. They have to answer questions about themselves, and if they get them right, they have the opportunity to chop at a rope that supports a voodoo doll representing one of their opponents. If a voodoo doll falls into the fire, the corresponding Survivor is out of the challenge. The winner gets to take a helicopter ride to a location where they’ll have a picnic.

The first question is, “Who does not deserve to still be here?” The answers are all over the board, but two power players, Kim and Chelsea, have answered Christina. Overall, that is the group choice, though some other folks have guessed Troyzan, Tarzan and Kat. That pretty much cuts to the core for Christina, who has passively been letting things happen around her. Will this revelation spur her into action?

Kim, Chelsea and Troyzan all get that answer correct. Troyzan hits Kat. Kim targets Troyzan, while Chelsea chops Tarzan (because she hates plastic surgeons, duh).

The next question is, “Who would you trust with your life?” The correct answer out of the people standing here is Jeff Probst, but we bet he’s not eligible as an answer. Instead, there’s a split vote between Troyzan and Kim. The latter is the correct choice, though, and Alicia, Chelsea and Christina get it right. Christina attacks Chelsea’s doll (interesting, that), Chelsea gives Troyzan his second strike, and Alicia sends his doll into the all-consuming flames of death. It’s a metaphor for what’s going to happen at Tribal Council, really.

The third question is, “Who most needs a wake-up call in life?” Every single person (except Kat) answers Kat. (If you’re wondering, Kat thinks it’s Christina.) Every single person except Kat gets it right. Sabrina hits Tarzan, while Tarzan gives Chelsea her second shot. Kim says, “I love you,” as she sends Tarzan spiraling down into the pits of doom. No one who is wielding an axe in your voodoo doll’s general direction truly loves you. It is known.

Christina and Sabrina both get some hits, but Alicia sends Chelsea out of the challenge.

Fourth question: “Who is the biggest poseur”) Kat doesn’t know what “poseur” means. Troyzan seems to be the consensus amongst the people remaining in the challenge, and that is the correct response. Alicia is the only one to miss, as she guessed Christina. Kim chops Sabrina, Christina smacks Kim, and Alicia now is up to two hits.

Next question is: “Who does the least for their tribe?” Sabrina is the answer. That’s problematic. Christina chops Kat, who wonders what she did to the woman she has voted for in almost every one of these questions. Alicia takes Kat out of the challenge, while Kim eliminates Sabrina.

Jeff then asks, “Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?” The answer is Kim, and several people just outed themselves on national television. Kim gets it right, as does Alicia, which means that Christina is kindling.

The final question is, “Who do you hope to never see again after the game?” Kim and Alicia both answer Troyzan, and they both get it right. Since Kim has two chops left before her dummy dies while Alicia only has one, Kim wins the challenge. It’s picnic time for her.

As speculated, Kim does get to choose someone to go with her. She chooses Alicia, staying with her plan to make sure that Troyzan has no opportunity to scheme with his former tribemate. Then, she’s allowed to pick a second person, and breaks Kat’s heart by selecting Chelsea. This should tell Kat some things, but she’s too, um, naïve to work it out.

Troyzan points out that Kim’s choices reveal who the top alliance is, saying that Kim, Alicia and Chelsea are in it together to the end. The thing is, we know there was discussion about separating the potentially treacherous Alicia, so Kim actually had her bases covered here. Well done. Honestly, Troyzan has so little respect at this point, no one is going to give the slightest consideration to any words coming from his mouth.

Kim, Alicia and Chelsea are really glad they have the food to eat, allowing them to gain their strength, but Kim honestly can’t decide whether she’s glad she won or not. She figures that because of the very personal nature of the Reward Challenge and the choices she made with regards to who to bring with her, some people might decide that now is a good time to move against her.

Lo and behold, Kat is bitching that she had to stay behind. It’s a blatant attempt by the Survivor producers to show “discord.” The reality is that Kat is just being a petulant brat. Troyzan reiterates that Kim’s behavior is showing everyone else where they stand in the game, but Kat and Sabrina exchange knowing smiles. If Troyzan hadn’t alienated everyone else still in the game, they might have listened. Don’t kill a whale and then expect to get season passes to the aquarium.

The faux drama continues when Kim returns and asks Kat to sit by her. Kat refuses and keeps right on pouting. Kim and Kat “discuss” what happened, and Kim does note that her choice to take Chelsea rather than Kat was the first non-strategic move she has made, and she is regretting it.

Back from commercial break, and a pretty large pig shows up at camp. No, really. We’re guessing the producers stuck the poor little guy out there to see what the Survivors will do. The chorus of “Kill the pig!” is repeated over and over again.

A goofy musical accompaniment is played while they try to capture the pig. It squeals…like a pig, which is what Troyzan will be doing at Tribal Council later. We’re rooting for the pig, honestly, because he’s pretty cute. Kim concurs with our opinion.

We guess that the little dude gets away, because it’s time for another Probst sighting. Today’s Immunity Challenge will have each person lubing their body (huh huh) with oil and sliding down a track to try to grab some rings. Once they get the ring, they must aim it at a target. Each round is played in heats of two, with the person winning their heat moving on to the next round.

Since Tarzan wins his heat against Troyzan, the winner of the challenge really doesn’t matter since we know exactly who is going home now. This has been the worst game of “It’s anyone but…” since, well, two weeks ago.

For those who care about such things, the final round of the game comes down to Chelsea vs. Kim, with the latter taking the Immunity Necklace.

Now we’ll get to spend a ridiculous five to seven minutes or so where the show’s producers try to convince us that Troyzan has some sort of chance at staying in the game. He continues pretending to have a hidden Immunity Idol, so Kim decides that they’ll split the vote between Troyzan and Christina. Sabrina takes the novel approach of being honest and telling Christina that they are throwing her a couple of votes. Oddly, Christina seems to take it pretty well.

“Christina’s IQ is probably a zero. I don’t know if that even exists.” –Alicia, reminding us why we think she’s a candidate for Worst Person in the World.

The show’s producers continue to attempt some deception during Tribal Council, as they keep the Alicia/Christina hate train moving forward. Alicia talks some crap about how Christina doesn’t deserve to be in the game. Christina counters by saying she, like, totally deserves to be there and stuff. There is no guile, no thought, no effort put into any of her answers, just as there has been no strategy put into her game. It’s like she’s reconciled to finishing in sixth.

Before the vote, Troyzan is asked how he feels about the vote. He says he feels good. He should feel as good about this vote as he should about the fact that he asks people to call him Troyzan. Moments later, Troyzan is voted out of Survivor. He can now go and join the disinterested-looking men on the jury.

Ladies and gentlemen, the last remaining man in the game is Tarzan. We feel like some very bitter people are paying up on bar bets right now.