Survivor: Cook Islands
By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis
October 21, 2006
This grand experiment lasted all of two episodes before a forced merger was done, thereby creating the unmistakable impression that the whole thing was just a cheap ratings ploy for a show struggling to maintain its status as the premier reality show on television. Frankly, we were glad we passed, but then Jim had to go and get married to a wonderful woman who wanted to treat him like a prince on his birthday. So, we're stuck here again. Why couldn't Jim have been born on a leap year???
The show does something weird this episode. Rather than show the credits and cut to commercial break, we head straight to camp after the vote. This tribe is called Raro, which we thought was the videogame company that did Donkey Kong Country. This group had some strife during Tribal Council. Someone named Cristina is feuding with someone named Adam. Since we have no opinion on either one, we flip a coin (no, really) and immediately determine that Adam is completely correct on the topic while Cristina is history's greatest monster. The campfire discussion justifies our position as Cristina aka Maleficent aka Cruella De Vil aka Star Jones starts whining about how everyone at camp is rude.
Cristina proclaims that when people ask her to pass items to them, they are unwilling to show basic courtesy. All she wants is a please and a thank you. Adam, who bears a striking resemblance to Sir Lancelot with just a touch of George Washington thrown in, refutes this hypocrite for being the worst offender of exactly such behavior. The Greek Gods of myth don't shine any brighter than Adam does as he forcefully interjects his will into the proceedings. We may have to take a pregnancy test if we directly gaze upon this virile Adonis too long. Whatever his name is. We kind of forgot.
There appear to be other tribe members at this camp as well. We don't have a legend available at the moment, but we think it's Jenny who looks uncomfortable throughout the fight. A fashion director named Brad, whom we are guessing was in the rainbow tribe prior to the merge, comments about how socially awkward the whole affair was. He politically states that Adam's comments were a low blow (how dare you insult our Adam???) while acknowledging that Cristina is the Wicked Witch of the East, due to have a house dropped on her at any moment. Okay, we made that last part up but he doesn't like her much more than we do. Rebecca, a make-up artist, also acts neutral about the situation. We are unconcerned, however. Adam's natural leadership will guide his troops to make the correct vote when the time comes. And after he wins Survivor, we see a Senate seat in his near-future. His innate charisma reminds us of what Elvis must have looked like before he got fat.
Cristina cries and talks to the camera about her pain. Since she lost the coin flip, we feel no sympathy for her plight. In fact, she cannot get voted off of the island fast enough. Seeing her on-screen is like staring straight into the gaping maw of Mount Doom. We are fortunate to keep our sanity intact after such a harrowing experience as a Cristina camera confessional. *shudders*