Survivor: One World Recap

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

March 14, 2012

You two are being voted out next, but at least you didn't admit to being Colton's bitch.

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After the challenge, we have the introduction of a new segment that we’ll call “We’re going to vote for Monica today.” We could say that they play “it’s anyone but Monica,” but we’re not fooled at all. Christina and Monica think it will be Tarzan, and somehow allow themselves to believe that the men are on board to blindside one of their own. Hint: They’re not. Seriously, this is a giant waste of time. Why are we even being subjected to this? Go ahead and go to Tribal Council and vote off the only player who’s worth a crap.

“It’s really hard being the leader of a bunch of idiots. It’s so difficult.” –Colton. Yes, it must be so trying doing absolutely nothing around camp and lying to people’s faces because that’s what you enjoy. Maybe they could get him a spa.

Survivor’s need to cast villains really creates problems for the show.

Tribal Council is weird. Dr. Tarzan (God, we hope he has a Nurse Jane) busts out the dictionary – to our total, complete, and sincere shock. He displays a vocabulary that would impress Merriam and Webster. It turns out that the good doctor believes in using the least popular, longest words for the sake of “precision.” Since the purpose of language is to communicate, we ordinarily suspect anyone this desperate to pontificate on language is overcompensating for something.


Tarzan proceeds to reveal that he has nominal aphasia. This means that he theoretically has trouble remembering words or names. Clearly, words are not a problem. Names on the other hand…

Probst presses the plastic surgeon to state the names of his tribemates. It’s fair to say that Tarzan struggles. He can’t come up with “Monica,” which is problematic since he’s supposed to be writing her name down in a moment, and still doesn’t know who the fuck Jonas is (he was calling him Jason last week). All joking aside, Tarzan is a wild card every vote, because there’s a legitimate chance he can’t remember the name of the person he’s supposed to be targeting. At some point, he may turn on Colton simply because he can’t remember anyone else.

It’s time to vote. There is no suspense. It is Monica. The Manono tribe obviously wants to continue losing challenges, then be picked off one by one at the merge.

There are 13 players left in Survivor, but we’re not particularly attached to any of them. This is shaping up to be the worst season since Survivor: Samoa, which is fitting, because Colton is mimicking the gameplay of Evil Loser Russell. Stronger players are being targeted, thereby weakening his tribe, whomever the tribe happens to be. The good news for people who hate Colton is that ELR’s strategy failed. This is why Jaison, Mick, eventual winner Natalie and Russ were outnumbered 8-4 at one point. And it was Natalie, not Hantz, whose play fundamentally altered the outcome of the game that season. What we’re saying is that Colton is using a strategy that is proven to lose. Also, he’s a dick.

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