Survivor: One World Recap
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
March 14, 2012

You two are being voted out next, but at least you didn't admit to being Colton's bitch.

Previously on Survivor, a racist was revealed. And his behavior was so unbecoming that somewhere Russell Hantz just screamed at his television, “Why didn’t I do that?” Also, for the first time in Survivor, a tribe won immunity but chose to go to Tribal Council and vote off one of their players anyway. It’s…not a good year for players.

Tonight’s show starts with Troyzan visiting the women and discussing the motivation for the dudes wanting to go to Tribal Council. They ask him whose idea it was, and he tells them it was all Colton. The girls are pretty much tickled to death that the guys have lost their minds, and say they will all stick together no matter what. Since the previews have promised that a Tribal Jumble is coming tonight, we bet that doesn’t hold true.

Early Probst sighting! Before they even get to the Reward Challenge, Jeff tells them to drop their buffs. The tribes will be realigned through some sort of egg smashing process. Everyone looks super surprised, which leads us to wonder if they’ve ever watched Survivor before. Every time there is a gimmick season (old vs. young, etc.), there has been a tribal switch-up relatively early in the game.

The new tribes are:



Colton takes a moment to note that the other team has all the muscle. Unfortunately, the switch isn’t really bad news for him, though, because he still has his merry band of misfits backing him up – the four of them versus the three women. Also, he still has a damned Immunity Idol. Ugh.

There’s also good news for Sabrina, who is not on a tribe with Colton. Besides the fact that she finds him super annoying and regrets ever having given him that idol, she also…well, you know. Let’s just say that even if she were a doctor who founded orphanages in her spare time, he’d still claim that she has to be voted off because of her…profession. What we are saying here is that Colton does not like black people. Also, he’s a dick, so it’s best not to be on his tribe.

Today’s Reward Challenge has the tribes working to fill a giant leaky bucket with water, then transport it across the “playing field” and fill another container until they have enough to raise a flag. The winner gets coffee, creamer, peanut butter, and the like. Also, the winner will get to stay at the “One World” camp, while the other tribe will have to start from scratch. Survivor just negated the entire premise of the season, just like they did in the Old vs. Young season.

Manono gets out to what seems like an early lead, but Salani’s strategy of waiting just a little bit longer to go back with their bucket of water seems to benefit them. They’re also stronger. Manono does get back with a final bucket of water, but it’s not quite enough. Salani’s decision to hold out for more water even to the end works out for them. They get to keep the One World beach and take the goodies with them. Each tribe gets a set of fishing gear, but from now on, they won’t be hanging out together.

Needless to say, Salani is thrilled with their good fortune. Sabrina is pleased to be with four girls, but even better is the fact that she’s on the Greek God tribe.


“Not only did I get on a tribe with people I don’t wanna be on a tribe with, I’m on a tribe with people who SUCK.” –Colton, who obviously doesn’t see the irony in what he’s saying

Also, imagine what the other Manono people think about being stuck on a tribe with Colton. Well, except Tarzan. Then again, Tarzan’s judgment hasn’t been the same since Woodstock. (Note for people under 20: Woodstock was a concert for stoned hippies. Kind of like Bonnaroo, actually, but less corporate. It’s about the same amount of muddy.)

Colton takes some time to pinky swear with all the ladies that he’s totally with them to the end. Monica, who’s been our favorite so far, just broke our heart. She gives her trust to Colton, thinking that he has to be with them even as she comments that she hopes he’s not some master manipulator who will take the women out one by one, particularly since she’s the strongest player of the three and she’s at the most risk. We…just do not understand why anyone would want to align with him. We don’t even have to illustrate why – he’s done that for us. All they should need to know is that he pushed his Immunity winning tribe to go to Tribal Council.

Over at Salani, Chelsea and Michael are crab hunting, but then the group realizes that there’s a chicken to be caught. They catch it, capping off what may be The Best Damn Day Ever! Troyzan says, “It reminded me back in 1979 when I played cornerback for the Central Valley Bears!” That’s exactly what we were going to say!

Jay, Kim and Troyzan come together to plan some strategy. Obviously, Jay is thrilled to be far, far away from Colton and looking to forge an alliance with anyone else. Strategizing is something people do on Survivor when they’re competent. Jay notes that he’s willing to play the game with the women (read: “oh my God I can’t believe my good fortune”). Kim admits she’s playing both sides right now, but honestly that makes sense. Their tribe should be well positioned to win Immunity unless something goes wrong. She has the option of working with the other three now-Salani women or she can work with the entire Salani tribe as a group. She’s right to be “playing the field,” so to speak.

Meanwhile, there is some “strategizing” going on between Alicia and Colton. He continues to just latch on to someone that he hates, though at least this time he picks someone who’s a threat to him. That threat is Christina, and Colton tells Alicia he wants her gone. She hates Christina, so this suggestion is music to her ears. However, she does think it’s too soon and that their “alliance of four” (Colton, Alicia, Christina and Monica) should stick together for at least one Tribal Council. Colton tries to convince her that they can work with Tarzan and Jonas, but she’s not having any of it. She knows about the crazy shit that happened before the last Tribal Council, after all.

Jonas notices that Colton is hanging out with Alicia a suspicious amount. He, Leif and Tarzan are working their asses off while Colton sits around and potentially makes new alliances with the women. It’s the first time we’ve seen anyone say, “Whoa, wait a minute” with regard to Colton, but he still agrees to vote for Christina, which makes us wonder if they’ve already given up on Immunity.

Speaking of Immunity, Kim decides she will go out and find the hidden Immunity Idol…and within moments, she does. She goes to tell Chelsea, and the two agree that they’ll keep it a total secret. While we sort of wish she would have kept it to herself, she at least only told the person who she has truly been closest to in the game.

The Manono tribe is trying to catch their own chicken, and Monica manages to get one in a box trap…until it escapes out the loose wire in the back. She and Christina are both terribly embarrassed. At this point, Colton decides that Monica is a much bigger threat than Christina because she has friends on both tribes now, whereas everyone seems to dislike Christina. He tries to convince Alicia that Monica should go, and she’s onboard until she asks him who’s next after Monica. When she learns that Colton wants to eliminate Christina, she realizes that she’s asking him to align with him and the other misfits. She’s not so sure about that option.

It’s time for another Probst sighting. Immunity is up for grabs, and today’s challenge will have three members from each tribe racing to get a ball that is sitting in the water. Then, they will have to go against three defenders from the other tribe to try to get the ball in the basket.

The first round is pretty much like an NBA Jam fast break. Jay shoves Colton into the water face first, then pushes Jonas down as well. He grabs the ball and throws it to a wide open Mike (because Tarzan is off doing who knows what…thinking about that time he saw Janis Joplin, we presume). Mike scores the first point for Salani…and we think this is going to be a very short challenge. We also think Dr. Tarzan (no, really) writes a lot of prescriptions for himself.

The next round is actually a little tougher, as there are two women per team, plus Mike matching up against Leif. Leif is surprisingly tough in the face of the height disparity, and Kat adds basketball to the growing list of things she can’t do. Ultimately, though, Mike pushes his way to the ball and gets the hoop. 2-0 Salani.

The next round is all chicks, and it’s kind of a battle. Ultimately, Monica actually gets the point for Monono. Naturally, Colton wants to get rid of her.

Next up, it’s all dudes. Colton takes the approach that he will grab the ball and hold onto it…which is great, except that to score a point, you actually need a basket. Eventually, he takes a pathetic shot, but is nowhere close. This lets the Salani guys get the ball, with Mike scoring the third and deciding point. Immunity goes to Salani – and we guarantee they will not be giving it up.

After the challenge, we have the introduction of a new segment that we’ll call “We’re going to vote for Monica today.” We could say that they play “it’s anyone but Monica,” but we’re not fooled at all. Christina and Monica think it will be Tarzan, and somehow allow themselves to believe that the men are on board to blindside one of their own. Hint: They’re not. Seriously, this is a giant waste of time. Why are we even being subjected to this? Go ahead and go to Tribal Council and vote off the only player who’s worth a crap.

“It’s really hard being the leader of a bunch of idiots. It’s so difficult.” –Colton. Yes, it must be so trying doing absolutely nothing around camp and lying to people’s faces because that’s what you enjoy. Maybe they could get him a spa.

Survivor’s need to cast villains really creates problems for the show.

Tribal Council is weird. Dr. Tarzan (God, we hope he has a Nurse Jane) busts out the dictionary – to our total, complete, and sincere shock. He displays a vocabulary that would impress Merriam and Webster. It turns out that the good doctor believes in using the least popular, longest words for the sake of “precision.” Since the purpose of language is to communicate, we ordinarily suspect anyone this desperate to pontificate on language is overcompensating for something.

Tarzan proceeds to reveal that he has nominal aphasia. This means that he theoretically has trouble remembering words or names. Clearly, words are not a problem. Names on the other hand…

Probst presses the plastic surgeon to state the names of his tribemates. It’s fair to say that Tarzan struggles. He can’t come up with “Monica,” which is problematic since he’s supposed to be writing her name down in a moment, and still doesn’t know who the fuck Jonas is (he was calling him Jason last week). All joking aside, Tarzan is a wild card every vote, because there’s a legitimate chance he can’t remember the name of the person he’s supposed to be targeting. At some point, he may turn on Colton simply because he can’t remember anyone else.

It’s time to vote. There is no suspense. It is Monica. The Manono tribe obviously wants to continue losing challenges, then be picked off one by one at the merge.

There are 13 players left in Survivor, but we’re not particularly attached to any of them. This is shaping up to be the worst season since Survivor: Samoa, which is fitting, because Colton is mimicking the gameplay of Evil Loser Russell. Stronger players are being targeted, thereby weakening his tribe, whomever the tribe happens to be. The good news for people who hate Colton is that ELR’s strategy failed. This is why Jaison, Mick, eventual winner Natalie and Russ were outnumbered 8-4 at one point. And it was Natalie, not Hantz, whose play fundamentally altered the outcome of the game that season. What we’re saying is that Colton is using a strategy that is proven to lose. Also, he’s a dick.