Survivor: South Pacific

A castaway makes a big move

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

December 1, 2011

Does Keith know you're married?

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After some cute machinations toward voting out Rick (they’re not going to vote out Rick), Coach says that “there is a tide coming.” Yes, and that tide is Coach getting more and more damn pretentious as the game goes on. He quotes Shakespeare (relatively accurately!), but really, he should just quote David and Kim. “Cochran is going to Redemption Island, where Ozzy will eat him alive.”

Tribal isn’t even worth recapping, frankly. There’s an air of desperation to the editing this week, as the producers try to infuse to proceedings with some mystery. But we all know what’s going to happen and we have ever since Cochran started telling his tribemates about his phone sex pranks.

Wait, wait, wait. We forgot about Brandon. Guess what? Brandon acts crazy! First, he tells everyone that his vote tonight is for Cochran and his next vote will be for Edna. By doing so, he eliminates the need for strategy. It hurts his brain. Then, he cries. Again. The look on Jim’s face as he watches from the jury box is priceless. How the hell did Savaii lose to these buffoons?

Next up is a roundtable discussion of how awful Brandon Hantz is as a strategist. Not one person defends him, and in fact Cochran, the person who Brandon has defended in the past, even piles on. Seriously, CBS, no more Hantzes. Don't make us lawyer up on a class action suit.


Before they take the vote, Cochran acknowledges that he may have made one of the dumbest moves in Survivor history. But all we keep thinking is that Ozzy is going to have the most massive erection of his life when Cochran reaches Redemption Island. And no, it’s not because of all that phone sex.

Cochran’s final words of the evening are, “The big move I made at the merge in jumping over to Upolu in retrospect may not have been the best move. I absolutely feel like Upolu used me. The fact that they did absolutely nothing to show any sort of gratitude other than lip service is insulting to me.”

Also, he is starting to suspect that the guy he talked to on the Internet and sent some money was not a Nigerian prince.

Goodbye and good riddance, Cochran. Truly you were a dumbass.

Continued:       1       2       3       4       5



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