Survivor: South Pacific

A castaway makes a big move

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

December 1, 2011

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Cochtard wants to figure out a way to improve his position in the game. We suggest that he acquire a time machine, travel back to Day 19 and talk earlier, less Cochtard out of the stupidest move of the season. We continue to be astonished by how little Cochran has added to the game of Survivor.

We come back from commercial to Cochran talking about his phone sex addition. We’re not kidding, people. He creeps everyone out by telling them how his fifth grade self would call up girls on the phone and suggest “swapping sperm” with them. Just, ew.

The rest of the the people in the camp have the same reaction and decide that this is a great time to perform their morning chores. He somehow makes it worse by stripping down to his boxer shorts and walking around. Cochran begins to evaluate the other players, noting that Brandon is almost obsessively devout – in a creepy, Charles Manson sort of way. Cochran says he hopes not to be the “Sharon Tate” of the tribe, which is a pretty macabre comparison in its own right. Although he does have the legs for it.

Cochran goes before the tribe to plead his case, and is desperate enough to mention that it is his birthday in three days. That’s a sparkling display of self-absorption and immaturity. No one can even look him in the eye. The only way this could be more fitting would be if this were the Thanksgiving episode and the oven were preheating. Cochran will taste delicious with stuffing and cranberry sauce. We are seven minutes into the episode, and we’re already playing “It’s anybody but…”


With that, we head off to Redemption Island, where we’ll see Ozzy defeat two women. It’s like a pagan ritual. Every three days, a couple of people are sent over to Ozzy to be devoured whole. As Whitney’s ex-husband will tell you, however, this is not a virgin sacrifice.

Today’s redemption challenge has the competitors balancing a stack of dishes on a metal arm. The person who is able to keep them all balanced without dropping will stay in the game. The other two, aka Dawn and Whitney, will go home. In fact, neither Dawn nor Whitney seems entirely with it or together for this challenge. Ordinarily, Dawn is pretty impressive, but she doesn’t have any energy left. And in fact, she is the first person out of the challenge. A minute later, Whitney is gone as well.

Jeff asks Dawn and Whitney about what they’ve gotten from the game, and they spout off the typical comments any contestant might give. But when Whitney talks about how proud her family back home will be, we can’t help but think, “Yeah, when they see those TMZ headlines, they’re just going to burst with pride!”

For his part, Ozzy gives the remaining contestants an ominous, “See you guys.” All he needs is a hockey mask and a machete to complete the effect. We hope Coach is wearing an adult diaper, because you can see the fear written all over his face.

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