June 2007 Forecast
(Find Your Umbrellas)
By Kang and Kodos
June 1, 2007
Greetings, Earthlings. In preparation for our invasion of your puny world next month, we are doing reconnaissance in North America. Our first thought? New York is in no way apple shaped. Our second thought? Capri pants are uglier than the tankini. And in all of the galaxies we have explored, nothing had ever been uglier than the tankini. Our final thought? WE WILL CRUSH YOU! But we will not crush you until July 27th, meaning that you should enjoy these last few weeks by engaging in your normal menial tasks such as attending movies. Below are our demands of the ten movies you should attend. Failure to do so will not place you among the fortunate few killed immediately during our attack on your home world. Instead, you will be assigned to our trans-species breeding program. And our happy endings will not be quite so happy for you. Bring an umbrella if you catch my drift.
The movie you will most enjoy this June is this delightful project from Pixar. The "animators" there were the first phase of our invasion of Earth. We correctly deciphered that your tiny Earth brains were easily influenced by the shiny moving pictures in front of you. We trained our most subversive element in the art of computer animation then released them into your society. Like the foolish, pitiable creatures you are, you lapped up each and every one of their products, setting the stage for our most insidious plan. Their final film before our arrival is one of plague and pestilence. A seedy creature will inseminate the food at the finest of restaurants with its feces and bile. The output will be disgusting but because the deliverer of the infection will be animated and cute, you will buy toy replicas of him at McDonald's. And their food, too, will be inseminated with feces and bile...but that one has nothing to do with us...nor would we be foolish enough to purchase the San Diego Padres.
2) Ocean's Thirteen
That Danny Ocean understands the genius of a carefully orchestrated master plan. We were huge admirers of his work in Ocean's Eleven. He humiliated that Terry Benedict chap and stole millions of dollars. We awarded him the first annual Kang and Kodos Award for Cinematic Deception aka the KAKA. To our shock and disgust, this ungrateful Ocean character turned around and made Ocean's Twelve, a movie that featured some strange form of Brazilian gymkata...and, even worse, Bruce Willis. If this movie is not like Ocean's Eleven but instead closer to Ocean's Twelve, we will spend part of our coronation feeding this Mr. Ocean to our pet Homer.
3) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
During our exploits in subjugating the galaxy, we have encountered this Silver Surfer chap a time or two. We had even used him as an agent of entropy on some of our more successful invasions. Then, this Galactus fellow signed him away on the first day of galactic free agency, forcing us to do our own dirty work again. If the Fantastic Four are kind enough to kill Galactus, the George Steinbrenner of the universe, and give the Silver Surfer a sound beating for his transgressions against Kang and Kodos the Great, we promise you a position of great esteem in the new world order.