June 2007 Forecast
(Find Your Umbrellas)
By Kang and Kodos
June 1, 2007
8) Surf's Up
These people are not from Pixar. They are not from Rigel VIII. They are not true alien animators. They are inferior copies. For that matter, the fictitious penguins they include in their movie are vastly inferior the penguins we grew to love in March of the Penguins. We liked them so much that we sent them warning that as long as they did not stray from Antarctica, we would spare their entire species. Everyone who works in Sony Animation, on the other hand, will be methodically tortured for their transgressions with Surf's Up...as well as the PS3. We bought one of those at launch and we are frustrated that there still are no good games to play. With 8 tentacles each, denizens of Rigel VIII can play four videogames at once, so this is a huge issue to us.
9) Hostel: Part II
Your love of violence shall be completely eliminated once we arrive on July 27th. Until then, enjoy all of this self-professed "gorno" with the eye-ball tearing out and the train jumping. It matters not whether such artificial suffering entertains you, just that our real giving you suffering entertains us. We even have plans for your television networks. Our first program is one so horrific you could never envision it in your most feverish of dreams. We call it Farmer Wants a Wife. Our envoy at The CW, Dawn Ostroff, has already programmed it on the Fall schedule.
Stephen King has tried to prepare you for the upcoming horror of our invasion, but you just won't listen. You will ignore this movie because it doesn't star that hunky young Orlando Bloom as a scantily clad pirate. If John Cusack behaved as he should, Bruce Campbell and he would be the Kang and Kodos of your world, brutal dictators with no tolerance for public dissent. Instead, he politely accepts critical praise while shunning the spotlight of being an A-List actor. The fact that Paul Walker is as big a star as John Cusack is reason enough for us to unleash our universal weapons of mass destruction upon your race. You humans make us sick. Ignore 1408 all you want, but all the while, you should know that we cannot wait to defile your corpses as punishment for your shallow cinema tastes.
Just missing the list is Nancy Drew. We do not want the North American public listening to any clever detectives. It could create problems for us. Instead, keep reading your Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton updates, check your fantasy sports box scores, and watch Fox News as much as possible.