Greetings, Earthlings. In preparation for our invasion of your puny world next month, we are doing reconnaissance in North America. Our first thought? New York is in no way apple shaped. Our second thought? Capri pants are uglier than the tankini. And in all of the galaxies we have explored, nothing had ever been uglier than the tankini. Our final thought? WE WILL CRUSH YOU! But we will not crush you until July 27th, meaning that you should enjoy these last few weeks by engaging in your normal menial tasks such as attending movies. Below are our demands of the ten movies you should attend. Failure to do so will not place you among the fortunate few killed immediately during our attack on your home world. Instead, you will be assigned to our trans-species breeding program. And our happy endings will not be quite so happy for you. Bring an umbrella if you catch my drift.
June 2007 Forecast
(Find Your Umbrellas)
By Kang and Kodos
June 1, 2007
The movie you will most enjoy this June is this delightful project from Pixar. The "animators" there were the first phase of our invasion of Earth. We correctly deciphered that your tiny Earth brains were easily influenced by the shiny moving pictures in front of you. We trained our most subversive element in the art of computer animation then released them into your society. Like the foolish, pitiable creatures you are, you lapped up each and every one of their products, setting the stage for our most insidious plan. Their final film before our arrival is one of plague and pestilence. A seedy creature will inseminate the food at the finest of restaurants with its feces and bile. The output will be disgusting but because the deliverer of the infection will be animated and cute, you will buy toy replicas of him at McDonald's. And their food, too, will be inseminated with feces and bile...but that one has nothing to do with us...nor would we be foolish enough to purchase the San Diego Padres.
2) Ocean's Thirteen
That Danny Ocean understands the genius of a carefully orchestrated master plan. We were huge admirers of his work in Ocean's Eleven. He humiliated that Terry Benedict chap and stole millions of dollars. We awarded him the first annual Kang and Kodos Award for Cinematic Deception aka the KAKA. To our shock and disgust, this ungrateful Ocean character turned around and made Ocean's Twelve, a movie that featured some strange form of Brazilian gymkata...and, even worse, Bruce Willis. If this movie is not like Ocean's Eleven but instead closer to Ocean's Twelve, we will spend part of our coronation feeding this Mr. Ocean to our pet Homer.
3) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
During our exploits in subjugating the galaxy, we have encountered this Silver Surfer chap a time or two. We had even used him as an agent of entropy on some of our more successful invasions. Then, this Galactus fellow signed him away on the first day of galactic free agency, forcing us to do our own dirty work again. If the Fantastic Four are kind enough to kill Galactus, the George Steinbrenner of the universe, and give the Silver Surfer a sound beating for his transgressions against Kang and Kodos the Great, we promise you a position of great esteem in the new world order.
Note to those willing to betray other Earthlings in order to get ahead in our regime: play your parts right and we promise to clone this Jessica Alba lass for your continuous enjoyment. Or Chris Evans if you're more into that sort of thing. Kang and Kodos don't judge sexuality, just species.
4) Live Free or Die Hard
This John McClane is considered an enemy to the crown of Kang and Kodos. He killed one of our sleeper agents, Hans Gruber, before we could utilize him to bring down western civilization. Thank God that he didn't get to the people behind MTV's The Real World as well. Otherwise, reality television would have never lowered the collective intelligence of your race to the point that they will be easy for us to conquer. We hate this McClane fellow and wish upon him the worst fate known in any civilized world: a buddy movie starring that punk kid from the Apple commercials. Wait, he's in this? Our evil plan has already come to fruition.
5) Evan Almighty
Steve Carell is the only member of your species to have recognized that a flood is coming, one from which there shall be no escape. His attempts to build an "ark" allowing escape from our apocalyptic invasion will prove fruitless. Our reconnaissance has warned us of other mistakes made from past invaders. As an example, we know to build up a tolerance against these things you call bacteria. How any alien species intent upon global domination would overlook such an obvious concern annoys us. Also, we plan to avoid Tom Cruise. He's not a threat to our invasion. We simply consider that to be common sense. Anyway, build your "ark", Carell. The Earth is still doomed. DOOMED!
6) Knocked Up
I, Kang, remember the last time I knocked up a woman. Her name was Marge and she bore me an alien love child called Maggie. I lost custody of her in the short term, but I did manage to kill Earth leader Jerry Springer in the process, making that a good day for the universe. No matter who raises her, Maggie's prowess with firearms demonstrates that she is truly the seed of my loin. Well, I don't have a loin. I have an expanding gill, but the details of the Rigel VIII reproductive process are laborious and irrelevant to the point here. I will soon reclaim my daughter and once again make Earth-Marge my love slave. She too will soon need an umbrella.
Out of all the humans of your species, Michael Moore most closely resembles Kang and Kodos. Despite his physical gifts, his tale of health care improvements will come far too late in the process to save you all from your destiny. We will enslave your race before you can get a live agent at Aetna to explain why your claim wasn't accepted.
8) Surf's Up
These people are not from Pixar. They are not from Rigel VIII. They are not true alien animators. They are inferior copies. For that matter, the fictitious penguins they include in their movie are vastly inferior the penguins we grew to love in March of the Penguins. We liked them so much that we sent them warning that as long as they did not stray from Antarctica, we would spare their entire species. Everyone who works in Sony Animation, on the other hand, will be methodically tortured for their transgressions with Surf's Up...as well as the PS3. We bought one of those at launch and we are frustrated that there still are no good games to play. With 8 tentacles each, denizens of Rigel VIII can play four videogames at once, so this is a huge issue to us.
9) Hostel: Part II
Your love of violence shall be completely eliminated once we arrive on July 27th. Until then, enjoy all of this self-professed "gorno" with the eye-ball tearing out and the train jumping. It matters not whether such artificial suffering entertains you, just that our real giving you suffering entertains us. We even have plans for your television networks. Our first program is one so horrific you could never envision it in your most feverish of dreams. We call it Farmer Wants a Wife. Our envoy at The CW, Dawn Ostroff, has already programmed it on the Fall schedule.
Stephen King has tried to prepare you for the upcoming horror of our invasion, but you just won't listen. You will ignore this movie because it doesn't star that hunky young Orlando Bloom as a scantily clad pirate. If John Cusack behaved as he should, Bruce Campbell and he would be the Kang and Kodos of your world, brutal dictators with no tolerance for public dissent. Instead, he politely accepts critical praise while shunning the spotlight of being an A-List actor. The fact that Paul Walker is as big a star as John Cusack is reason enough for us to unleash our universal weapons of mass destruction upon your race. You humans make us sick. Ignore 1408 all you want, but all the while, you should know that we cannot wait to defile your corpses as punishment for your shallow cinema tastes.
Just missing the list is Nancy Drew. We do not want the North American public listening to any clever detectives. It could create problems for us. Instead, keep reading your Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton updates, check your fantasy sports box scores, and watch Fox News as much as possible.