June 2007 Forecast
(Find Your Umbrellas)
By Kang and Kodos
June 1, 2007
Note to those willing to betray other Earthlings in order to get ahead in our regime: play your parts right and we promise to clone this Jessica Alba lass for your continuous enjoyment. Or Chris Evans if you're more into that sort of thing. Kang and Kodos don't judge sexuality, just species.
4) Live Free or Die Hard
This John McClane is considered an enemy to the crown of Kang and Kodos. He killed one of our sleeper agents, Hans Gruber, before we could utilize him to bring down western civilization. Thank God that he didn't get to the people behind MTV's The Real World as well. Otherwise, reality television would have never lowered the collective intelligence of your race to the point that they will be easy for us to conquer. We hate this McClane fellow and wish upon him the worst fate known in any civilized world: a buddy movie starring that punk kid from the Apple commercials. Wait, he's in this? Our evil plan has already come to fruition.
5) Evan Almighty
Steve Carell is the only member of your species to have recognized that a flood is coming, one from which there shall be no escape. His attempts to build an "ark" allowing escape from our apocalyptic invasion will prove fruitless. Our reconnaissance has warned us of other mistakes made from past invaders. As an example, we know to build up a tolerance against these things you call bacteria. How any alien species intent upon global domination would overlook such an obvious concern annoys us. Also, we plan to avoid Tom Cruise. He's not a threat to our invasion. We simply consider that to be common sense. Anyway, build your "ark", Carell. The Earth is still doomed. DOOMED!
6) Knocked Up
I, Kang, remember the last time I knocked up a woman. Her name was Marge and she bore me an alien love child called Maggie. I lost custody of her in the short term, but I did manage to kill Earth leader Jerry Springer in the process, making that a good day for the universe. No matter who raises her, Maggie's prowess with firearms demonstrates that she is truly the seed of my loin. Well, I don't have a loin. I have an expanding gill, but the details of the Rigel VIII reproductive process are laborious and irrelevant to the point here. I will soon reclaim my daughter and once again make Earth-Marge my love slave. She too will soon need an umbrella.
Out of all the humans of your species, Michael Moore most closely resembles Kang and Kodos. Despite his physical gifts, his tale of health care improvements will come far too late in the process to save you all from your destiny. We will enslave your race before you can get a live agent at Aetna to explain why your claim wasn't accepted.