Survivor: Fiji

It’s a Turtle?!

By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis

April 22, 2007

We'll miss his accent.

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Previously on Survivor, Jim was hysterical. Also, a whole bunch of stuff happened and we didn't talk about any of it. Sadly, he's off being Super-Dad this weekend, so we will have to update you on an eventful episode of television's longest running reality series (other than CNN).

Overall, this season has been a bust. You know it, I know it, Jim knows it, and while Probst wouldn't say it, even he knows it. The good news is that things have been looking up recently. Impotent loud mouth Rocky was voted off, all the time telling himself that everyone but him was the loser. Yo, Rocky, if that's the case, why did everyone else win more often than you? Suffice it to say that we are thrilled he is no longer flying high now.

But what really floats our boat was the dismissal of Lisi two episodes ago. We haaaaated that bitch. I mean, we hated her the way that country music stations hate the Dixie Chicks. We're not ready to make nice about her behavior. She was a loathsome, dull-witted misanthrope who failed to appreciate how good she had it in an alliance full of stronger players willing to take care of her. Repeated trips to Exile Island drove her over the edge, which is a shorter trip than a walk to the refrigerator. Her ultimate achievement was a tribal council meltdown wherein she couldn't even give an appropriate answer to a binary question. Note for Lisi if you're reading this; binary is a word used in this instance to indicate only two potential answers, presumably yes or no. "I'm trying to be honest", "Let me finish", and "It's not that simple" do not qualify under these guidelines. We would, however, have accepted, "I suck worse than a mime convention' as an answer. Aww, who are we kidding? Lisi's illiterate anyway. We apologize to those of you who are not for going all Lemony Snickets on you for a moment.


We might hate Lisi worse than Lill. We would need to see her in a scout uniform to decide for certain, though.

The main theme thus far has been the alliance Jim cleverly dubbed The Four Horseman. Mookie, Alex, Edgardo and Dreamz have an alliance that has them positioned to make a deep run in the game. An unexpected twist in the game's fundamental play disrupted their plans, however, and the fallout from this should be felt during tonight's episode. The key was that last week saw a merged tribe, but there was still a small group vote due to a unique permutation at the immunity challenge. The new tribe was divided into two sets of contestants with the losers heading straight to Tribal Council. The end result was that no strategic machinations could take place before the vote with Michelle winding up eliminated.

The bigger picture result was that a schism was revealed in the core group. Three of the boys went searching for a hidden immunity idol while Dreamz and Useless (aka Lisi) were asleep. When Edgardo, Alex and Mookie found the treasure, they decided it would be best not to tell Dreamz, their ally, of their good fortune. After all, he can be a bit...chatty. That plan lasted a good 48 hours before Mookie pulled a Lenny and blabbed on and on about the next secret meeting of the Stonecutters...or something like that. For no apparent reason and to the detriment of himself and his allies, Mookie suddenly blurted out to Dreamz that they had the idol. How did that help them in the game? Well, it really, really didn't. Dreamz, who has the emotional control of a five-year-old, promptly got his feelings hurt because he realized that the cool kids didn't like him as much as he thought they did. So, he did what any injured party does. He plotted revenge. His goal was to wait until the moment when his "allies" least expected it then betray them to a degree that would make Benjamin Arnold go "Da-aaaa-aaaa-amn!" The other members of the Four Horseman have no idea that Dreamz has gone loose cannon on them since he voted the way Alex wanted at the last tribal council. So, the Sword of Damocles is hanging over their heads as we head into this week's episode. Finally, the season is showing some promise.

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