Release Date: May 18, 2012

Really? No one actually says 'You sank my Battleship?'

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66/169 Max Braden Worth it if only to see the USS Missouri firing its guns, but I'd rather see a reality-based battleship movie set in WWII.

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This is how far we as a people have sunk. In May of 2012, there will be an entire movie based upon the board game, Battleship. If you are wondering if you are remembering the right game, yes, it is the one where you call out locations such as B-12. If you hit, your opponent acknowledges your staggering ability to…guess a random location. In the portable videogames/internet apps, Battleship is as quaint as a hula hoop but without the continued practical application.

Despite this, Hasbro has chosen to create an entire movie based on one of the least exciting board games yet invented. Even Hungry Hungry Hippos would lead to a better cinematic adaptation. At least rampaging hippos would be good video. But Battleship? Has everyone at Paramount Pictures taken leave of their senses?

The reason for this adaptation is obvious although counter-intuitive. Another Hasbro property, Transformers, has been developed into a Star Wars-esque franchise property. Obviously, the manufacturers would like to double down with another equally popular license. The problem should be obvious to anyone with common sense. Transformers are cool toys that have enough backstory to justify several different television series. The next Battleship cartoon will be the first.

With Battleship, Hasbro and Paramount are trying to start a date at third base. I am dubious over the likelihood of this plan succeeding. If it does, the reason why will be the talent evolved. Director Peter Berg has created marvelous movies such as The Rundown, Hancock and The Kingdom as well as the masterful television program, Friday Night Lights. If anyone can pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat needed to create an enjoyable Battleship movie, it is him. Of course, in order to produce such a result, he will need talented actors. Let’s flip through the rolodex and see who is starring in Battleship. Hmm, there is Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna and Brooklyn…Decker. Is this a joke? Paramount and Hasbro have invested $200 million for the production of a boring, outdated board game starring a couple of underwear models and whatever a Rihanna is?

Battleship is sunk. (David Mumpower/BOP)

Vital statistics for Battleship
Main Cast Taylor Kitsch
Supporting Cast Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgård, Rihanna, Asano Tadanobu, Liam Neeson
Director Peter Berg
Screenwriter Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber
Distributor Universal Pictures
Rating PG-13
Running Time 131 minutes
Talent in red has entry in The Big Picture



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