5 Ways to Recap 2017
By George Rose
January 3, 2018
The new year is here and January is back to remind us there are terrible movies that need dumping every few months. When you’re stuck between a blockbuster holiday season and an impending awards season, you might as well unload you’re crap while everyone is distracted. As much as I would love to start my year off with the inevitable negativity that would come with writing a 5 Ways to Prep article about the FOURTH Insidious movie, I’m going to dodge that bullet. I want to kick things off with positivity! Christmas was kind to me; where in prior years my parents got me suits in an effort to push a boring corporate life upon me, this year they got me an iPad. It was a generous gesture meant to convey their support in my attempting a writing career. What kind of person would I be to turn that gift into a weapon of negativity?
Instead, I’m going to continue the trend I started two weeks ago (before taking a short holiday break) and try another version of a 5 Ways to Prep lighting round. Now that 2017 has finally concluded, you are bound to get a barrage of articles that in one way or another recap last year. By now, you probably know what the top five movies were, what people suspect are the top five upcoming awards contenders, and who your five least favorite Hollywood sexual predators are. What you may not know, though, is what five nonsensical ways a borderline crazy writer for BOP would consider appropriate for recapping 2017. Take the red pill, my friends, and join me on this blast through the past as we discover 5 Ways to Recap 2017!
NUMBER ONE - BEST CELEBRITY: I could point and laugh at the losers of the year, or I could celebrate those that made a positive difference in Hollywood. Here are the handful of celebrities (in no particular order) that didn’t completely disappoint me this year by being pretentious douchebags.
1) UMA THERMAN: Despite starring in several Miramax/Weinstein productions, she refuses to speak about the sexual assault scandals until after she has formed her thoughts clearly and is able to speak without being angry.
2) KUMAIL NANJIANI: After years of stealing scenes as a supporting character, this Pakistan native wrote and starred in one of the best reviewed surprised indie blockbusters of the year.
3) GAL GADOT: After headlining the years biggest domestic superhero flick, she continued to show heroism off screen; she demanded that alleged sex criminal Brett Ratner be removed from producing Wonder Woman 2 or denied any profits from it.
4) HUGH JACKMAN: Not many stars get to appear in a blockbuster made for the fans (Logan) and a musical passion project (Greatest Showman) in the same year. He deserves an Oscar for his talent AND for being a rare Hollywood gentlemen.
5) SEAN GUNN: His brother, James, gets all the love for directing the Guardians of the Galaxy films but it’s Sean that warmed our hearts as Kraglin. After attending four different conventions in 2017, I can also comfortably say that Sean was my favorite celebrity encounter of the year. Not many take funny pictures at the request of fans.
NUMBER TWO - WORST DISASTERS: Sometimes even the most positive person in the world has to point and laugh at somebody. Not all losers are bad movies, either. Sometimes good movies don’t get enough attention. Sometimes bad movies get too much attention. With all the love I have to give, I still have to point out a few of movies that disappointed me in 2017.
1) TRANSFORMERS 5: The first film released after the much-touted creation of a Transformers Universe Writers Room is also the worst performer of the series.
2) POWER RANGERS: The movie itself wasn’t a disaster but the box office receipts were. This brand deserved a franchise but there simply wasn’t enough fan support.
3) LEGO NINJAGO: In 2014, Lego Movie earned $258 million. In February 2017, Lego Batman dropped to $175 million. Then Ninjago disassembled the brand with $59 million in September.
4) VALERIAN: Visionary director Luc Besson (Fifth Element, Lucy) ruins his career and any chance France will spend $200 million on a movie again with this space dud.
5) ROUGH NIGHT: Scarlett Johansson proves the failure of Ghost in the Shell was not a white-washing fluke by starring in her second epic flop of the year.