5 Ways to Recap 2017
By George Rose
January 3, 2018
BoxOfficeProphets.com

Reading is fundamental.
The new year is here and January is back to remind us there are terrible movies that need dumping every few months. When you’re stuck between a blockbuster holiday season and an impending awards season, you might as well unload you’re crap while everyone is distracted. As much as I would love to start my year off with the inevitable negativity that would come with writing a 5 Ways to Prep article about the FOURTH Insidious movie, I’m going to dodge that bullet. I want to kick things off with positivity! Christmas was kind to me; where in prior years my parents got me suits in an effort to push a boring corporate life upon me, this year they got me an iPad. It was a generous gesture meant to convey their support in my attempting a writing career. What kind of person would I be to turn that gift into a weapon of negativity?

Instead, I’m going to continue the trend I started two weeks ago (before taking a short holiday break) and try another version of a 5 Ways to Prep lighting round. Now that 2017 has finally concluded, you are bound to get a barrage of articles that in one way or another recap last year. By now, you probably know what the top five movies were, what people suspect are the top five upcoming awards contenders, and who your five least favorite Hollywood sexual predators are. What you may not know, though, is what five nonsensical ways a borderline crazy writer for BOP would consider appropriate for recapping 2017. Take the red pill, my friends, and join me on this blast through the past as we discover 5 Ways to Recap 2017!

NUMBER ONE - BEST CELEBRITY: I could point and laugh at the losers of the year, or I could celebrate those that made a positive difference in Hollywood. Here are the handful of celebrities (in no particular order) that didn’t completely disappoint me this year by being pretentious douchebags.

1) UMA THERMAN: Despite starring in several Miramax/Weinstein productions, she refuses to speak about the sexual assault scandals until after she has formed her thoughts clearly and is able to speak without being angry.

2) KUMAIL NANJIANI: After years of stealing scenes as a supporting character, this Pakistan native wrote and starred in one of the best reviewed surprised indie blockbusters of the year.

3) GAL GADOT: After headlining the years biggest domestic superhero flick, she continued to show heroism off screen; she demanded that alleged sex criminal Brett Ratner be removed from producing Wonder Woman 2 or denied any profits from it.

4) HUGH JACKMAN: Not many stars get to appear in a blockbuster made for the fans (Logan) and a musical passion project (Greatest Showman) in the same year. He deserves an Oscar for his talent AND for being a rare Hollywood gentlemen.

5) SEAN GUNN: His brother, James, gets all the love for directing the Guardians of the Galaxy films but it’s Sean that warmed our hearts as Kraglin. After attending four different conventions in 2017, I can also comfortably say that Sean was my favorite celebrity encounter of the year. Not many take funny pictures at the request of fans.

NUMBER TWO - WORST DISASTERS: Sometimes even the most positive person in the world has to point and laugh at somebody. Not all losers are bad movies, either. Sometimes good movies don’t get enough attention. Sometimes bad movies get too much attention. With all the love I have to give, I still have to point out a few of movies that disappointed me in 2017.

1) TRANSFORMERS 5: The first film released after the much-touted creation of a Transformers Universe Writers Room is also the worst performer of the series.

2) POWER RANGERS: The movie itself wasn’t a disaster but the box office receipts were. This brand deserved a franchise but there simply wasn’t enough fan support.

3) LEGO NINJAGO: In 2014, Lego Movie earned $258 million. In February 2017, Lego Batman dropped to $175 million. Then Ninjago disassembled the brand with $59 million in September.

4) VALERIAN: Visionary director Luc Besson (Fifth Element, Lucy) ruins his career and any chance France will spend $200 million on a movie again with this space dud.

5) ROUGH NIGHT: Scarlett Johansson proves the failure of Ghost in the Shell was not a white-washing fluke by starring in her second epic flop of the year.

NUMBER THREE - GAME CHANGERS: Financial winners and losers alike have the power to change the course of Hollywood. Here are a few movies that earned or lost the kind of money that has lasting consequences.

1) IT: Stephen King finally got what he deserved as It gets crowned the biggest horror film of all time. Next up, It: Chapter 2 and 1,000 other King adaptations.

2) GET OUT: Scary movie masterminds (Blumhouse Productions) join forces with the comedic talents of a first time director (Jordan Peele) to turn a $5 million investment into a $175 million racial thriller that’s currently riding the wave of awards season.

3) JUSTICE LEAGUE: The fifth film in the DC Universe is the first to team up the whole gang and also the lowest earner of the bunch. Just when you thought Wonder Woman changed the game, Justice League blows up the field. Marvel wins the war.

4) THE GREAT WALL: China spends $150 million to create a worldwide blockbuster starring Hollywood superstar Matt Damon. It earns only $45 million in America and stalls China’s attempt at taking over Hollywood.

5) WONDER: In a year where the top three films at the box office all star beautiful women, Wonder shocks the nation by having an ugly boy earn over $100 million. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the presence of the still-gorgeous Julia Roberts.

NUMBER FOUR - WORST MOMENTS FROM THE BEST MOVIES: Too many people are negative for negatives sake. I would prefer to harness that negativity into criticism to help make future movies better. Superhero movies dominated the box office in 2017 and always dominate my heart, but some good movies could be better.

1) END OF WONDER WOMAN: The whole movie was great, right up until Diana confirms Ares is real and battles him. Cut out the end and save Ares for the sequel.

2) BEGINNING OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: After reshoots were filmed with Henry Cavill rocking a mustache and millions were spent trying to digitally remove it, the film starts with a pointless scene that showcases the worst CGI Superman face of all time.

3) GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2’S EGO MUSEUM: Despite claims he didn’t love Star Lord’s mom, Ego built a super creepy museum of memories in her honor.

4) SPIDER-MAN HOMECOMING: Peter Parker shows signs of cultural evolution as he find himself attracted to women outside his race, but the writers only used this beautiful addition of inclusion as a cheap distraction for the villain’s connection reveal.

5) DUNKIRK: Christopher Nolan’s extensive and brilliant filmography comes to an end as this masterfully crafted awards contender proves to be an epic bore.

NUMBER FIVE - GEORGE’S RANDOM FAVORITES: I love movies for all the right and wrong reasons, and that combination makes it hard to create a proper list of my favorite films. Also, I still haven’t seen all the movies released from 2017 so any list made would be incomplete. Here are just some of the movies that entertained me last year.

1) SPIDER-MAN HOMECOMING: If i was to allow myself only one superhero movie to appear on my Top 5 list, Spider-Man’s grand return to Marvel would be it.

2) DISASTER ARTIST: I haven’t started catching up on all the awards contenders yet but I did see Disaster Artist and it was incredible. It was funny, touching, heartbreaking and uplifting.

3) BABY DRIVER: I’m not usually one to go crazy over mobster movies but it turns out a touch of music and a bit of Edgar Wright was all the genre needed.

4) BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: I’m a sucker for these modern Disney princess updates and I worship the ground Emma Watson walks on.

5) ALIEN COVENANT: Considering how against this franchise I was as a kid, it amazes me how bold and daring the series is. Each entry strives for something new and this one continues the expansion on that mythology with great action and scares.