The Amazing Race Season 29
We're Coming for You, Phil!
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
April 5, 2017
The player who impresses us the most, however, is Seth. He finishes first, narrowly defeating Matt, a professional snowboarder who we know. Matt won a gold medal at the 2016 X Games for half-pipe. We’re actually winter extreme sports fans! (Really!)
The only person who has real problems is Joey, a police sergeant. After bragging about his attention to detail, he shows up with a wrong suitcase and has to go back and get the right one. The order of finish in the individual leg proves to be important. The Amazing Race devolves into a schoolyard pick of teams, with Seth earning the right to pick first. We’ll quickly note the teams, along with their hashtag/nicknames (as well as personal thoughts).
Seth picks Olive, a firefighter who finished third overall and was fastest among the women. The Amazing Race gives them the hashtag #TeamAmerica (fuck yeah!). Matt, who we already love for his snowboarding skill, wins our hearts anew when he chooses Redmond. Their team is called #TheBoys. We already love them.
Shamir, a Wall Street banker, does his best Wolf of Wall Street impersonation by picking the hot chick. His words, not ours. He and Sara, a luxury real estate agent, throw themselves into a hug, which means they might think they’re on the blind date season. Their weird hashtag is #TheSandSExpress. We read that as Sand Sex Press, which makes us flip through the pages of the Kama Sutra.
Recruiting manager Scott cheesily points to Brooke, a criminal attorney who has already pointed out that she’s a type-A control freak. It’s like Superman having first pick and choosing Kryptonite. Their highly original hashtag is #TeamBrookeandScott
Becca, a rock climbing instructor, adorably picks Floyd, who she calls Urkel. The two of them instantly act as if they’ve been best friends their entire lives. They’re named #TeamFun, so we have high expectations.
A hilarious moment unfolds when residential real estate agent Ashton indicates that she’s looking for a stronger player. What she really means is that she wants a muscular hunk. Her disappointment is total when Vanck, a Wall Street analyst, chooses her. What’s strange about this is that Vanck performed much better in the individual challenge than the guys she was lusting after. Still, she sticks Vanck in the friendzone and sulks noticeably. Again, the hashtag team must have run out of ideas, because they’re #TeamVanckandAshton. We would have chosen #TeamDoMyHomeworkForMe.
Tara, an Army officer, “goes with the underdog” in choosing Joey the police sergeant. Their hashtag is #TeamMomandDad, which is just creepy.
London the artist picks Logan the surgical consultant, and she unintentionally taunts Ashton when she says, “I need a muscle man!” Their awesome hashtag is #TeamLoLo.
Model Jenn takes athletic trainer Kevin, who somehow has much longer hair than she does. Their team name is #LongHairDontCare. We presume #TeamDeepThoughts was taken.
Michael the butcher and Liz the auctioneer join forces as #TeamLizandMike. If nothing else, these two have the most specific job titles of anyone this season.
That means that Jessie and Francesca, the two women who exchanged words earlier, are now the team of #SwoleSisters. The Amazing Race didn’t even have to meddle. It just happened organically.