Survivor: Game Changers Recap

Episode 1, Part 1 -

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

March 8, 2017

At least her hair looked pretty.

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Eventually, Caleb, who was once evacuated from the show for heat stroke, offers token resistance for his tribe. Andrea unearths a Secret Advantage, which falls on the deck of their boat. Alas, Andrea doesn’t notice it, and eventually Sierra grabs it and puts it in her pocket.

As prophesied by Malcolm, Ozzy earns the tool kit for Nuku (we love their cola!). Not only do they have the advantage of the tools, but they also got the chickens. As the two rafts depart, one tribe’s members are euphoric, while the others are shooting bitter, jealous glances their way. Round 1 goes to Nuku and it’s not close.

After the break, the less important players take this opportunity to puff out their chests about how important they are. Hali is apparently a cobra under your legs, which sounds like a really great YouTube video. Michaela has discovered a bit of self-awareness in the off-season. The impatient Millennial now plans to be nice to everyone and will hide all of her resting bitch face that she can. She also thinks that someone’s born name is “Troyzan,” which is just funny.

We’ll let Malcolm describe what happens next. (Maybe we should just let him recap the season.) “All of a sudden, that big bald maniac screams, ‘I’m going for the idol, baby, woo hoo hoo hoo!’” Malcolm immediately coins the phrase “pulling a Tony” for a stupid move. Change approved.

Caleb and Sandra offer to babysit Tony, making sure that he doesn’t actually get an idol. In reality, both of them want to get a closer look at how well he’d work as a human shield. Caleb sees a lot of promise in this human target. Meanwhile, Sandra continues to demonstrate how she’s ahead of the game. Rather than calculate the best way to execute him, she states that he’s a physical asset, so her tribe should keep him around. We love the way Sandra looks at everyone as geese. She uses them to lay golden eggs, and then chops off their heads and eats them for dinner. In the game of Survivor, Sandra is the one most confident that she’s going to eliminate everyone else at some point.


Over at Tribe Ozzy, everyone loves Ozzy. Based on past history, they’ll continue to love Ozzy until it suddenly dawns on them that everyone loves Ozzy. Then, they’ll hate Ozzy and want him gone.

Survivor superfan Zeke has always considered himself a mastermind; however, he seems star struck and desperately in need of autographs from his favorites. He then claims he wants to slather himself in the blood of his enemies, which is precisely why we imprison stalkers in this country. His ultimate goal on this season, called Survivor: Game Changes, is to “change the game.” We’ve seen better masterminds.

How long have we been recapping Survivor? We remember when JT was handsome and fit. We’re just joking, JT. Welcome to middle age. We have it, too. Wait, you’re just 31?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone we only vaguely remember named Sarah is going to be the “silent assassin.” Just FYI.

Sierra opens the Legacy Advantage. Like last season, she can only use it when either 13 or six people are left in the game (her choice). If she is voted out, she must will it to someone else.

Continued:       1       2       3       4       5



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