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Survivor is back, and this season has all returning castaways who never won and were not considered entertaining enough to be brought back several times until they did win. Instead, these poor castaways were left with “a relentless nightmare of what ifs” and Probst reminds them that “you all failed in your goal! [losers]." It's as though Probst thinks if he copies Donald Trump, maybe he'll be President someday, too.

While there may not be many memorable players this season, it certainly sets a record for “most people Probst refers to by their last name." Fishbach! Savage! Dietz! Varner! Wiglesworth! Is Wiglesworth the first female Survivor contestant to be last-named? Donaldson, Cochran, Mariano, Hatch, Culpepper, I think so.

The first person voted out was Vytas, who claimed the vote for him was about “total respect” and nothing to do with him showing the various places around camp one can do thrusting yoga poses and giving the women on his tribe creepy massages. I look forward to Aras rubbing in this humiliating defeat hard.

The tribes this season are Ta Keo and Bayon, named for two Cambodian temples that are actually nowhere near the filming location. Ta Keo is the green tribe with several castaways you probably dislike, and Bayon is the pink tribe with several castaways you’ve probably forgotten.

As we are only one episode into the season and Bayon hasn't even been to Tribal Council yet, these aren't formal power rankings with a number against each player - but they do have a general "first to worst" order.

Ta Keo

Varner

Varner sealed his fate in Season 2 by jumping off a pole for some peanut butter. From the look of him now, the experience hasn't turned him off PB. Varner did not have a great start to the episode, talking about how out of depth he was, how he didn’t bother with strategy in his first season and how these new school Survivors play so hard and fast. But by the end of the episode, he had worked his way into the swing vote position and picked up an ally who was also on the outs with everyone.

However, I don’t know that Varner made a particularly good choice. He says he gets on a lot better with the old schoolers on Ta Keo, but these natural allies are the same people he voted against. Now he’s on the same side as explosive Abi Maria, oddball Shirin, cut-throat Spencer and idol-holding Kelley, and is very probably out of his depth. Still, he can always flip back - no one ever really burns their bridges while they have a vote at Tribal Council.

Spencer

Spencer admits he was too cocky in his season, and claims to have done a lot of maturing in the whole year since that season was filmed and this one was! However, the editing suggests he hasn’t learned much more than transparent flattery and it’s possible he picked that up just by sitting next to Vytas on the flight over from L.A.

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