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Jon is feeling guilty about his behavior. He recognizes that all of the dudes have every reason to hate him. He explains that his instincts led him to believe that going with the men was a mistake. We call his instincts Jaclyn. Or thinking with his penis.

Keith is dialed up about the situation. He describes how many people have lied to him since the game began. He actually does this to other people while sitting at camp and looking them in the eye rather than in a camera monologue. That’s equal parts crazy/stupid and admirable. Our favorite moment is when he attacks Missy for her betrayal, reminding her that they had a couples alliance. Missy, who has the IQ of a bowl of cereal, blithely states that everything changed when he allied with his son. Keith quickly shoots back, “My son is my couple.” Point to Keith.

The worst part about how much we hate Missy is that since she is so stupid and useless, there is no reason ever to vote her out of the game. Nobody would ever vote for her. We’re stuck with her for the rest of the season. How much does she bug us? If the choices were her and John Rocker, we’d pick…nah, that’s not true.

Probst Sighting! The reward challenge today is a team competition designed to create rifts between allies. Presumably, some people who win will be forced to break bread with people soon to be voted out of the game (hi Reed!). And the editing will do everything possible to convince us that someone will flip on their alliance. Then, it won’t happen but another reward challenge will attempt to do the same thing in an episode or two. Survivor is like the Washington Generals with this nonsense. It never works yet they keep trying.

The teams are Wes, Jon, Jaclyn, Missy and Keith against Jeremy, Natalie, Baylor, Alec and Reed. The challenge pits two opposing players on a balance beam above a mud pit. The contestants have a single goal: knock the other player off the beam. The person who touches the ground first loses.

The first round matches Reed up against Wes. The Louisianan employs a clever strategy of trying to bounce on the wobbly beam to shake his opponent off. After that fails, he attacks aggressively, and Reed easily counters by using Wes’s momentum against him. Reed wins. Boys will be boys, as both of them love getting a face full of mud.

Jaclyn matches up against Natalie in a fight of balance and size against…let’s say a powerful core. We expect Jaclyn to win, but he she tries to finish off Natalie too early, misjudges her opponent’s balance and effectively beats herself. Score that round for the Alpha Twin.

Jeremy squares off against Jon in a battle of Zero Body Fat. Seriously, these dudes are ripped. They should do a line of exercise videos together after the season ends. Jeremy makes the same mistake as the last two people, attacking prematurely. Football player Jon counters easily and forcefully shoves Jeremy in the air into the awaiting mud. Jon claims the most empathic win thus far.

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