Survivor: Caramoan - Reunion

By Ben Willoughby

May 15, 2013

One of these players is good at Survivor. Hint: Not the one on the right.

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Anyway, Rudy claims that the hardship on Survivor was nothing, the hard part was the people. He talks about how he developed a strong relationship with “his queer buddy” Richard Hatch, but “not in a homosexual way." People even made T-shirts about it! And we get a gross clip of Richard Hatch with about the amount of nudity you’d expect. “I couldn’t even call him a ‘queer,’” says Rudy, and we’re all supposed to laugh because he was one of the first Navy SEALs. Rudy’s like our racist grandma.

Time to announce the Product-Placed player of the season. Who will it be? “Eddie!” says some dimwit in the audience. Probst can’t believe it, until he realizes it’s Eddie’s brother. But 71% of the vote went to two people – Malcolm, obviously, and Brenda, who must have gotten a ton of votes between Wednesday and now. But not enough, because Malcolm wins with 36% of the vote against Brenda’s 35%. That will keep Malcolm in hairbands until his next season.

We get a reveal of the next season’s theme, which is Blood vs. Water. Probst doesn’t want to talk about the location because it’s back in the Philippines again! Which means the one after that is, too. Boring. About as boring as listening to Probst read out tweeted guesses. And if you really want to be spoiled, the cast list is out there and it makes this season look like a casting job well done!

Enough about what we’ve seen in the reunion episode. Here’s a short sample of what we didn’t see. Anything from Sherri, the “fan” who made it furthest in the game and all the way to the end, and whether other players now think she played an okay game. Anything from Erik about the reasons for his quick departure from the game and how that felt to be so close but so far and whether he’s doing okay now and whether he feels he redeemed himself this season. Anything from Shamar including whether he’s doing okay, whether he feels he played a negative role in his tribe and if he is really like that in real life?


Paragraph break, because I’m not done. Anything from Eddie, such as whether he is really like that in real life and if his dog-bar dreams are any closer to reality. Anything from Corinne, such as how it felt for her to be voted out by Dawn. Anything from Malcolm other than his short-lived soap opera career, such as and whether he could have played those three idols any differently. Anything from Reynold, such as whether he could have gone further if he had played the first few days differently, and where his extreme optimism came from.

Paragraph break because I’m still not done. Anything from Brenda about whether she regrets what she did to Dawn at the final Tribal Council. Anything from Michael, because even if he didn’t have much impact on the game, he still seemed like a smart guy with some good observations. Anything from Francesca, such as how it feels to be the only person voted out first twice. Anything from anyone else who didn’t say anything, even if it’s a five-second check-in to see how they are doing.

And you’ll note that still doesn’t mention anything about Brandon Hantz. Utterly, ridiculously farcical. It’s as though they’ve already written the season off as a bad one and just don’t want to talk about it. Piercing Eagle, my ass.

Probst closes things out. Probst hands the now-standard small, non-novelty million dollar cheque over to Cochran. “You can bid on props for the show, and proceeds go to Survivor Stand Up To Cancer." “Please audition for our show, so we can throw out the tapes and cast people we meet in bars." “Thanks for watching our show, making it the lowest-rated finale in Survivor ever!”

That’s it for another season. See you in the same place next season – just like Survivor!

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