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Brandon

After a brief respite from Hantzes for the past two season, Brandon Hantz is back. You’ll remember him as the tortured soul from the South Pacific season who blamed women for tempting him and went through an emotional breakdown every damn episode. He’s also Evil Loser Russell’s nephew, and is even more painful to watch. If there’s anything that demonstrates that this season of Fans vs Favorites is the biggest lie Survivor ever told, it’s the presence of Brandon Hantz.

Brandon is in full-on revisionist history mode about his season. He claims to have had no enemies and had the jury vote in his hand, only he gave up immunity and was betrayed by his alliance. He says that he is a “too honest guy” and “way too trustworthy.” Isn’t it great that his self-described faults are about how awesome he is? I think he challenges Phillip for “most in denial.”

In his interview with EW, Brandon again claims that the game was his and he would have won a million dollars, but he only made one mistake: he allowed himself to beat him. “He beat himself in the game of Survivor and that’s what people saw.” Brandon has had some personal troubles in his home life, and he says that now he’s an icebox and nothing is going to get under his skin or manipulate him into thinking they are his friends. Now I think I remember why I gave up watching the season Brandon was on. Well, him and Cochran. Hang on, why am I committing to watching this season again? Not for Phillip and his underwear... oh crap, what have I done?

Also, Brandon’s still only 21? At least now he can drink a beer on the Rewards.

Assessment: Can I give any other prediction than “Brandon will fly completely off the rails of his emotional roller-coaster?” Hopefully there’ll be no more Hantzes after this season.

Cochran

Cochran and his trademark sweater-vest are back. It’s ridiculous how much he wants his sweater-vest to be up there in the Survivor Museum of Artifacts along with Rupert’s tie-dye and Boston Rob’s Red Sox hat. Anyway, Cochran was the Survivor super-fan from the South Pacific season who won a prize from Harvard’s law program for an essay he wrote on the Survivor jury system. Cochran knew absolutely everything about the game except how to strategize, compete in challenges, contribute around camp or be socially acceptable. Pure Harvard.

Anyway, Cochran interviews that he’s going to find it difficult to blend in because his reputation as an annoying, unlikeable, challenge-challenged traitor precedes him. He promises that he’ll downplay his quirks and not seem so anxious, but I think that’s too big a part of Cochran for him to change it over 39 days. He also notes – correctly, I think – that Survivor fans expected more from a Survivor super-fan, and that it was a big disappointment that he turned out to be. So he says that he will play more aggressively this time with more alliance-making and -breaking. Last time he “spent 31 days without being in one, or even liked.” If someone asks Cochran to join an alliance, it will be the happiest day of Cochran’s life.

Assessment: Cochran’s basic pitch is that he doesn’t have anything going for him. I agree, and think he’ll be gone quickly.

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