The Amazing Race All-Stars Recap
By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower
April 25, 2011
Flirtation alert: Kisha & Jen like their men tall and dunk-y. They spend a portion of the train ride asking the Globetrotters for foot massages. Big Easy replies with a sonnet about them keeping their nasty feet off of him. Die of jealousy, William Blake.
Okay, teams, let's all go to the Border Crossing and get ourselves a snack! And a green card! Wait, do they have green cards in Liechtenstein? You know what, that's not important. What is important is that we do everything possible to avoid having to type "Liechtenstein" for the rest of the column. It doesn't sound like there should be an e in that first syllable, so we haven't spelled it right yet. Damn you, Daron! How dare you enjoy Easter with your small children instead of recapping the show this week!
The first challenge in this episode asks the contestants to measure the entire length of...Liechtenstein. Oh, come on! They apparently have to ride a bike for 22 KM then present a card to an Olympian from the particular country which they are currently visiting. You know the one we mean. Also, while we hate to cast aspersions on champion athletes, being an Olympian for this particular country effectively means you play a sport. That's all. Seriously, this German-speaking country that is not Germany (hint: its name starts with an L) has a population of less than 40,000. Your high school track team had higher standards for lettering than Lickspittle (we just renamed the country...deal with the ramifications, Central Europe!) has for making the Olympics. Still, we're sure his family is very proud. Also, if he has brothers and sisters, his family comprises about 3% of the country's population.
Now that we've been (appropriately) branded as terrorists by the small but passionate population of Lickspittle, let's get back to the race.
Kicking Gary & Mallory right off the bat, the Speed Bump awaits them at this first location. They are also the last time to arrive, thereby adding to the precarious nature of their predicament. We think that it's best to finish this immediately so that they know where they stand for the rest of the leg. The challenge requires them to use provided tools to determine the amount of gas needed to fuel their bicycle. Yes, bicycles in this country require fuel. No wonder nobody wants to live there.
While Gary & Mallory finish their Chemistry lab paper, a pair of men experience some difficulty. Jet and Big Easy both miss their turns. This is important because their odometer needs to indicate the correct distance in order to allow them to complete the challenge. Meanwhile, Jen has a different problem. She drops her map during the journey. Later, Vyxsin (did her band sing Edge of a Broken Heart in the 1980s?) realizes she cannot read her map at all. Ladies and gentlemen, the Amazing Race All-Stars.
The horrible news for the struggling teams is that Gary & Mallory are capable of calculating basic math problems. They complete the Speed Bump in short order, meaning that they will be a factor the rest of this leg, which isn't always the case for trailing teams asked to do more.