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“A guy needs to sack up and win this one,” Shannon says.

So, what have we learned from the wisdom of Shannon? 1) Women are the only dumb blondes, with one historically unprecedented exception. 2) Real men let their junk hang out of their boxers. 3) Chase’s body is almost as hot as Shannon’s (no homo). 4) This is what happens when you give a guy a girl’s name. Just ask that dude named Sue.

Now that we’ve gotten the Evil Loser Russell Tribute out of the way, Kelly B. is realizing that she will have to inform her teammates about her disability. We’re not sure how she thought she was going to hide it from them, really. There are swimming challenges, for God’s sakes. Everyone seems a little worried that if she makes the final, she’ll win the sympathy vote. Did we miss 18 episodes and make it to the final already? (If so, yay! Welcome to the final Survivor recap of the season. Now we can watch Modern Family and Cougar Town in peace.)

Her team reacts to the news with all the sensitivity and support you might hope for, which is to say, none. NiOnka, winner of the prestigious “Most Pretentious Name” for this season (sorry, Benry), seems to take this admission as a challenge to a footrace. Given that Kelly B. is the fastest amputee to ever finish the Iron Man championships, NiOnka might want to think twice about that one (and her hair, which is also unfortunate).

Kelly B. leaves her leg propped up against a log while she goes for a swim. The whole world simultaneously jokes that if Evil Loser Russell were there, that leg would either disappear or be in the fire. Dock yourself ten Kim & David points if you missed it.

As we return to Espada tribe, Jimmy Johnson starts thinking about all the championships Barry Switzer won with teams he built and starts heaving. Yes, Jimmy Johnson, we hate Jerry Jones, too. (Football jokes – get used to them, people. They’ll be here all season.) Usually early illness in the game is a bad omen, especially if you’re aligned with Tyson, but Jimmy Johnson seems to think that he just overdid it a bit.

When youngster Chase asks Brenda if she knows who Jimmy Johnson is, she says that she had been a Miami Dolphins, so of course she does. Brenda, who claims that she hopes to adopt the Parvati flirting strategy, purrs at Chase, “I like your spirit.” He stammers, “I like…you.” It’s like Catwoman with a puberty-infused Robin.

Sadly, in a confessional, Brenda totally admits to faking it with him. He has given her his heart, and she doesn’t even have a pen to give back to him (Say Anything jokes – get used to them, people).

Alina and Kelly B. make a water run and discover a clue for a hidden Immunity Idol. They’re very excited, but can’t figure out the map. Also, Alina would have been a lot happier to find it on her own. She doesn’t want to share with the girl with one leg! She wants to share with someone important, like Lady Gaga. “I hope she tweets back to me.”*

*Note: Not an actual quote.

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