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When Thursday’s live eviction episode came to a close, we knew Rachel (half of the Brachel showmance) would be Big Brother’s next Head of Household. Sunday’s episode began with the fallout of that victory.

Next to her boo Brendon, the houseguest who was disturbingly excited about Rachel’s win was Andrew, who noisily jumped around the yard as if he’d just been asked to go to homecoming by his school’s BMOC. No one could really figure out why, though. He’d never been aligned with Brachel.

Hayden, who apparently forgot just how Jewish Andrew is, said his excessive celebration made him look “like a kid on Christmas.” He rightfully corrected himself: “Or Hanukkah, whatever.”

Britney, on the other hand, was peeved: “I’m so pissed right now. We were so freakin’ close. And we let some idiot, who wasn’t even smart enough to put on pants, win.” That’s right. Rachel competed against the house (and was victorious) wearing nothing but a skimpy top. In case you forgot, Rachel is the cocktail waitress from Vegas.

With Rachel in charge, the Brigade was suddenly about 75% less confident in themselves and their place in the house. Enzo, actually, related Rachel’s win to getting hit with a grenade. Enzo, it’s tough when a member of your alliance doesn’t control the room, eh?

Rachel invited everybody to check out her HoH room, the space where she and Brendon will be making game decisions and the sex over the next seven days.

Britney, whose apathy towards the game and its players is hilarious, had this to say: “When Rachel came down to announce her HoH room, I really just kinda wanted to shoot myself in the face. But I thought, ‘Whatever. I will follow her flapping butt cheeks all the way upstairs and into her room.’ ”

Monet, the only person in the house that Britney respects, was just as “excited” to see the room. Once up there, she happened upon a boa that Rachel told her is from her showgirl days. Let’s get serious. Monet, and us at home, know it’s from her stripper days.

Rachel’s gifts from home included tons of candy and a measly bottle of tequila. Rachel couldn’t have been more excited about this. As Britney mused, Rachel (“Oh my god, I got tequila! Thank you, Big Brother!”) acted like she’d won the half-million prize.

Outside the room, Kristen shared with some people that she believes her birthmarks are where she was stabbed in a previous life. Hayden is oddly turned on by this.

Later, Britney and Monet shared an interesting moment in the sun, discussing their lack of interest in everyone playing the game. And it’s not that they’re self-involved. They just can’t relate with the fakeness in things like Matt’s personality and Rachel’s tits.

In many ways, their commentary may echo the feelings of a lot of people watching from home. If you recall in my write-up about the premiere, I said my first impressions of the cast weren’t great. Things haven’t changed much since. Symbolically, Britney and Monet are our eyes and ears.

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