Big Brother 12, Week 2
By Eric Hughes
July 25, 2010
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Next to her boo Brendon, the houseguest who was disturbingly excited about Rachel’s win was Andrew, who noisily jumped around the yard as if he’d just been asked to go to homecoming by his school’s BMOC. No one could really figure out why, though. He’d never been aligned with Brachel.
Hayden, who apparently forgot just how Jewish Andrew is, said his excessive celebration made him look “like a kid on Christmas.” He rightfully corrected himself: “Or Hanukkah, whatever.”
Britney, on the other hand, was peeved: “I’m so pissed right now. We were so freakin’ close. And we let some idiot, who wasn’t even smart enough to put on pants, win.” That’s right. Rachel competed against the house (and was victorious) wearing nothing but a skimpy top. In case you forgot, Rachel is the cocktail waitress from Vegas.
With Rachel in charge, the Brigade was suddenly about 75% less confident in themselves and their place in the house. Enzo, actually, related Rachel’s win to getting hit with a grenade. Enzo, it’s tough when a member of your alliance doesn’t control the room, eh?
Rachel invited everybody to check out her HoH room, the space where she and Brendon will be making game decisions and the sex over the next seven days.
Britney, whose apathy towards the game and its players is hilarious, had this to say: “When Rachel came down to announce her HoH room, I really just kinda wanted to shoot myself in the face. But I thought, ‘Whatever. I will follow her flapping butt cheeks all the way upstairs and into her room.’ ”
Monet, the only person in the house that Britney respects, was just as “excited” to see the room. Once up there, she happened upon a boa that Rachel told her is from her showgirl days. Let’s get serious. Monet, and us at home, know it’s from her stripper days.
Rachel’s gifts from home included tons of candy and a measly bottle of tequila. Rachel couldn’t have been more excited about this. As Britney mused, Rachel (“Oh my god, I got tequila! Thank you, Big Brother!”) acted like she’d won the half-million prize.
Outside the room, Kristen shared with some people that she believes her birthmarks are where she was stabbed in a previous life. Hayden is oddly turned on by this.
Later, Britney and Monet shared an interesting moment in the sun, discussing their lack of interest in everyone playing the game. And it’s not that they’re self-involved. They just can’t relate with the fakeness in things like Matt’s personality and Rachel’s tits.
In many ways, their commentary may echo the feelings of a lot of people watching from home. If you recall in my write-up about the premiere, I said my first impressions of the cast weren’t great. Things haven’t changed much since. Symbolically, Britney and Monet are our eyes and ears.
So, as crude as their remarks may be, I can’t help by empathize with their feelings. Britney, mocking Rachel, said: “I needed an IV of tequila just to stay alive. It was so crazy.” Her sarcasm is delicious.
Also Sunday, we learned Hayden has this strange habit of sticking his forefingers in the gap between his two front teeth whenever he talks to (or about) Kristen. I don’t know whether it’s a nervous reaction or what, but Kristen doesn’t seem to mind it and seems to be falling hard for the pretty boy. Shame.
The houseguests retreated outside for the have-have not competition to an area polluted with trash cans and graffiti. Their task was to separate into groups and tape a houseguest securely to a platform.
Once finished, the platform – rotating like a dentist’s chair – became about perpendicular to the ground. Houseguests on the ground watergunned the two houseguests on the platform. First houseguest to fall lost.
Ragan, who admitted to being used to getting tied up to walls on the weekends, said, “This is just a Saturday night to me, guys. This is nothing.” And yet, he was the first to fall.
From the onset, it looked like Britney would take the crown. Enzo, the first to take note, said, “Look at that, Britney’s a mummy right now. … We did such a great job with Britney. She’s wrapped up there like King Tut.”
But like in the premiere, when Britney fell from a slippery hot dog and injured herself, Britney’s body slowly inched downward over time, causing her to nearly get strangled by the tape. After about an hour of play, Britney was forced to pull out so she didn’t, you know, die.
Britney: “The last thing I want to do is either black out or die hanging on a wall for some freakin’ slop.”
Okay, a) who is designing these games and b) if they haven’t been fired already, why haven’t they been fired?! Two competitions in as many weeks have either severely injured or nearly killed their competitors. That ain’t right.
The have nots learned that their menu options for the week would be slop and fish sticks. Without shame, Enzo (“Ooo, we got fish sticks! Thank you, America! Thank you, Big Brother. Yes!”) was as excited about the fish sticks as a home cooked meal from mama.
At the nomination ceremony, Rachel nominated Britney and Monet for eviction. Monet because she won $10,000 in the premiere and never made an effort to get to know Rachel, and Britney by association.
On Wednesday’s show, Rachel’s main concern was whether or not her speech at the nominations ceremony was okay. Brendon, her puppet, told her she did great.
Britney, as expected, was upset. But, she decided to let her emotions get the best of her in an unexpected place: the have-not room. For a good amount of time, Britney cried and cried while curled up on a chaise lounge with jars of maggots and other oddities scattered around the room.
Monet entered the room and she and Britney engaged in their usual Rachel beratements.
Monet: “My initial reaction was to punch her in the face but of course I couldn’t do that so I refrained.” And: “I can’t look at her. I just want to slap her in the face… She’s a stupid hooker.”
Later, Rachel and Britney had a heart to heart in the HoH room. Brendon was surprisingly absent. Alone together, Britney wept for her safety and explained that she didn’t understand why she and Monet were nominated.
Distraught, Rachel told Brendon that watching Britney cry was disheartening, and that she felt awful for nominating both her and Monet. Of course, Rachel has no idea Britney actually despises her.
Brendon talked her down from the ledge by giving her the classic “It’s just a game” speech. This sort of thing happens multiple times by multiple houseguests every season of Big Brother. By now, it has zero effect on houseguests and people watching from home.
Matt devised a lie to gather sympathy votes amongst his peers. Though the disease is real, Matt’s wife doesn’t actually have Melariatosis, a bone disease. Yep, I probably spelled that wrong.
Instead of saying that he tried out for Big Brother to pay for his wife’s cancer treatments or even a more basic surgery, Mattie launched into the specifics of a disease that less than one in a million have. Andrew, who’s secretly a doctor by day, said he’s never heard of Melariatosis and thinks Matt may have made the whole thing up. Yikes.
In the Power of Veto competition, six houseguests held briefcases while standing with their heads sticking through giant, American dollars. When they believed an hour had passed, they dropped the cases. Closest to an hour without going over won.
The interesting thing about the game – besides the mini bills that bitch slapped the contestants’ faces – were the different ways the contestants counted to an hour. Brendon counted in five-minute increments, Rachel counted off 3600 seconds (the correct number of seconds in an hour), Monet counted off 1200 seconds (the incorrect number of seconds in an hour) and Enzo thought of a specific drive he takes in Jersey with his wife that usually takes about an hour.
Though he went over the time limit, Enzo missed the mark by 14 seconds. Enzo: “That’s like one quickie with the wife, man.”
Britney won the PoV and later removed herself from the block. Her replacement would be Matt, who offered to be a pawn on the chopping block even after Brachel and the rest of the house had decided it would be Andrew. Matt thought he’d be a safer bet on getting Monet out of the house since the vote could go either way with Andrew.
On Thursday’s show, it was revealed that Hayden and Kristen had begun a “secret” showmance. Their way of keeping it secret was to talk dirty to each other and play tonsil hockey under the sheets while Andrew and Ragan were legit sleeping about five feet away in the same room.
In a talking head, Andrew said it was “like trying to fall asleep to a dirty movie.”
A scuffle ensued outside, and Rachel came out to mediate. She said there’s no reason for drama – Big Brother producers are probably like WTF?! – and reiterated why she wanted Monet gone.
Figuring it wasn't convincing enough, Rachel called a mandatory house meeting to let everyone know that Matt had approached her about being put up on the block as a pawn. Matt rebuked it, and said he was pressured into doing so. At the end of the day, everyone seemed to trust Matt just a little bit less.
At the live vote, Monet unfortunately became the second houseguest to be evicted from the Big Brother house. If only for her color commentary, here’s hoping Britney sticks around a bit longer than Monet did.