Selling Out
By Tom Macy
September 8, 2009
After opening in four theatres on July 31st to a stellar $14,410 venue average, its expansion to 56 venues - where its average plummeted to 2,888 - showed that people were not in the mood to be simultaneously educated, moved and entertained. My hope is that buzz during awards season will raise The Cove's profile and get it on some people's queues. But for now, I just shake my head in disappointment. You blew it, America.
1) We found out why they call him Wolverine
If you've ever wondered why Wolverine got his name, and asked someone who knew, the conversation might go something like this:
Kayla Silverfox: Why the moon is so lonely?
Logan: Why?
Kayla Silverfox: Because she used to have a lover.
Logan: You tell this to the kids?
Kayla Silverfox: No.
[Logan laughs]
Kayla Silverfox: His name was Kuekuatsu and they lived in the spirit world together.
Logan: Oh, this is a true story.
Kayla Silverfox: Mm-hm. And every night, they would wander the skies together. But, one of the other spirits was jealous. Trickster wanted the Moon for himself. So he told Kuekuatsu that the Moon had asked for flowers; he told him to come to our world and pick her some wild roses. But Kuekuatsu didn't know that once you leave the spirit world, you can never go back. And every night, he looks up in the sky and sees the Moon and howls her name. But... he can never touch her again.
Logan: Wow... Koo-koo-katchoo got screwed.
Um, how does this answer my question? I'll spare you the rest. Eventually it turns out that Kuekuatsu means Wolverine. Okay, I'm at a loss for words here. I watched this scene through my fingers. It was so embarrassingly painful that everyone involved, including the caterers, should be ashamed of being a participant. I don't care what the mythology says. Wolverine's girlfriend tells a story about the Moon and some Native Americans that (somehow) ends up being the genesis of his eventual namesake? No thanks. I'll just take a 2x4 to the face. All the pro-war sentiments, prejudices, technical incompetence, unseen gems, and seat squirming humor in the world couldn't top the levels of suck reached here. It was a perfect storm of filmmaking atrocity across the board.
Next time you wonder why they call him Wolverine, don't ask.
Dishonorable Mentions:
- Everything about T4
- Eli Roth Can't Act
- Funny People tries to eat cake while having it, and comes up with an uninteresting drama that is also an unfunny comedy (after the first three minutes, of course).
- Ryan Reynolds' quasi-comic relief is the only halfway decent thing about Wolverine and then he becomes mute.
- Gambit
Well I hope this was cathartic. I know I feel better. Finally, I think I can close the book on the Summer of 2009. Time now for Hollywood to try to mend all the gaping wounds they opened up over the past few months by giving us their awards season best. As always, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not too optimistic.
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