Selling Out
By Tom Macy
September 8, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
As with every year, the months of May and September are when Hollywood reminds us why people compare the movie industry to ambiguous evil empires and its studio heads to Darth Vader – or am I the only one who does that?
Sure, we go see all the movies - but just so we can shake our fists at the screen when a character inexplicably gives an expository speech out of nowhere about a convoluted plot that no one cares about. I feel for you, John Tuturro. And yeah, we give them our money - but only to pad the box office total that, upon seeing, we will slap our foreheads in disbelief that so many people paid for such garbage. And round and round goes the vicious cycle.
Now that Labor Day has come and gone and the summer is officially over, we must put the season behind us. As painful as it may be, it's time move on from tentpole withdrawal. How, you ask? By doing some good ol' fashioned hating. Here are five things we had to endure over the past four months that made them totally lame. These are five reasons to say good riddance to the summer movie season.
5) Michael Mann doesn't need professional sound
This is a nerdy, nit-picky choice. If the movie had been halfway decent, I might be willing to forgive a $100 million film released on the July 4th weekend in 3,300+ theatres having the sound of an intro to filmmaking assignment. But since Public Enemies was an overlong, hollow, posturing-fest with lifeless characters, I'm not going to be able to give Mann a pass.
After the first few lines mumbled by Johnny Depp caused me to strain my ears, I initially figured Regal Cinemas had employed an inept teenage projectionist just so they could pay him minimum wage. But as the film wore on and the dialogue ranged from distinguishable and muffled to what I can only describe as being submerged underwater, I realized my rage towards corporate evil was misplaced. For reasons I cannot begin to comprehend, Michael Mann seemed to think that bad sound was good idea. Maybe he thought it would go with the bad lighting. He's the auteur.
Here's the thing. Unlike the his dimly lit digital grain-fest wherein not being able to see the image clearly enhances the viewing experience – used effectively in Collateral, but less so in Public Enemies - not being able to hear what's happening is just annoying.
With the camera, directors have a lot of leeway with audiences. You can do just about whatever you want and people are willing to give it a chance. But with sound, not so much. Don't get me wrong. I love it when filmmakers take chances and experiment with new techniques, but in this case, I just want to remind Mr. Mann of a universal truth in filmmaking. Things sound like what they sound like, and when they don't sound like what they sound like, they sound bad.
4) Transformers proves that racism, sexism and warmongering sell
You knew it was coming. This one really needs no explanation. While Transformers 2 had its moments of computer-generated grandeur, it was a smorgasbord of American chauvinism.
On the ethnic stereotyping front, we had two robots there for comic relief acting like a 1920s minstrel show performed in blackface. There was John Tuturro as a Jew whose neurosis made Woody Allen look well-adjusted. And finally, we had the depiction of the Jordanian army – sending two helicopters that are given more screen time crashing and burning than they are in the air – as a model of militaristic inferiority.
Then there's the exploitation of Megan Fox, who was objectified so overtly it's as if she were a mannequin that acquired movement from Pinocchio's blue fairy – but if that were true, since actors are required to be, you know, truthful, the growing nose thing would have been a big problem.
Finally, there's the disparaging overall "message" of Transformers 2. If one were take the position on war that Michael Bay does, they might find themself in conversations saying things like, "I like war because things blow up in war and if you blow enough stuff up eventually you'll destroy 3,000-year-old monuments that speak to the greatest feats accomplished by mankind. And that would be AWESOOMMME!!!!"
I will never get tired of saying it. Shame on you, Michael Bay.
3) The unintentionally awkward, intentional humor of Transformers 2 and GI Joe
You thought I was finished? Come on. The slots of #3 and #4 could be interchangeable. True, condoning civil intolerance and warfare is probably worse than awkward humor, but at least the former resulted in some entertaining moments. The latter, however, was stomach churning through and through.
Along with Michael the-cinematic-anti-Christ Bay, Stephen Sommers rode the Hasbro train this summer as well. Together, their attempts to make action films with comic touches – supposedly they were going for a Gremlins-like tone, to which I furrow my brow – were stupefying.
Shia LaBeouf's mom, played by the very game and hopefully now very well off Julie White, accidentally ate pot-brownies and cavorted around a college campus. Also, Marlon haven't-you-done-enough-damage-with-the-scary-movie-franchise Wayans and Channing I-can't-believe-you're-going-to-be-a-big-star Tatum's agonizing one-liner deliveries are now irreparably seared into my brain. The memory of them will forever haunt my nightmares.
2. No business for The Cove
In the wake of Terminator 4 bombing (is anyone tired of me trashing this film? Too bad.), my confidence in the movie-going public was at an all-time high. Then it all came crashing down when one of the year's absolute best films was given the cold shoulder at the box office.
A hybrid of recent documentary successes such as An Inconvenient Truth and March of the Penguins - with little Bourne thrown in - The Cove, with a RottenTomato score of 94% and an average rating of 7.9, had everything going for it. Or so I thought.
After opening in four theatres on July 31st to a stellar $14,410 venue average, its expansion to 56 venues - where its average plummeted to 2,888 - showed that people were not in the mood to be simultaneously educated, moved and entertained. My hope is that buzz during awards season will raise The Cove's profile and get it on some people's queues. But for now, I just shake my head in disappointment. You blew it, America.
1) We found out why they call him Wolverine
If you've ever wondered why Wolverine got his name, and asked someone who knew, the conversation might go something like this:
Kayla Silverfox: Why the moon is so lonely?
Logan: Why?
Kayla Silverfox: Because she used to have a lover.
Logan: You tell this to the kids?
Kayla Silverfox: No.
[Logan laughs]
Kayla Silverfox: His name was Kuekuatsu and they lived in the spirit world together.
Logan: Oh, this is a true story.
Kayla Silverfox: Mm-hm. And every night, they would wander the skies together. But, one of the other spirits was jealous. Trickster wanted the Moon for himself. So he told Kuekuatsu that the Moon had asked for flowers; he told him to come to our world and pick her some wild roses. But Kuekuatsu didn't know that once you leave the spirit world, you can never go back. And every night, he looks up in the sky and sees the Moon and howls her name. But... he can never touch her again.
Logan: Wow... Koo-koo-katchoo got screwed.
Um, how does this answer my question? I'll spare you the rest. Eventually it turns out that Kuekuatsu means Wolverine. Okay, I'm at a loss for words here. I watched this scene through my fingers. It was so embarrassingly painful that everyone involved, including the caterers, should be ashamed of being a participant. I don't care what the mythology says. Wolverine's girlfriend tells a story about the Moon and some Native Americans that (somehow) ends up being the genesis of his eventual namesake? No thanks. I'll just take a 2x4 to the face. All the pro-war sentiments, prejudices, technical incompetence, unseen gems, and seat squirming humor in the world couldn't top the levels of suck reached here. It was a perfect storm of filmmaking atrocity across the board.
Next time you wonder why they call him Wolverine, don't ask.
Dishonorable Mentions:
Everything about T4
Eli Roth Can't Act
Funny People tries to eat cake while having it, and comes up with an uninteresting drama that is also an unfunny comedy (after the first three minutes, of course).
Ryan Reynolds' quasi-comic relief is the only halfway decent thing about Wolverine and then he becomes mute.
Gambit
Well I hope this was cathartic. I know I feel better. Finally, I think I can close the book on the Summer of 2009. Time now for Hollywood to try to mend all the gaping wounds they opened up over the past few months by giving us their awards season best. As always, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not too optimistic.