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Survivor: Tocantins

Let's Get Rid of the Weak Players Before We Even Start

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

February 12, 2009

We'll mess her...assets.

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Survivor's back, and this time it's in Brazil. We hope it goes better for them than it did for the Simpsons when they got in trouble with their tourist board. Jeff Probst was so excited about the prospect of this trip that he went ahead and got the wax!

As for BOP, scoutmaster extraordinaire Jim Van Nest has a scheduling conflict, so we'll be taking care of you again this season. Given past history, this guarantees that this season will suck and we'll be bored to tears. Why does Jim get the good ones?

Probst gleefully points out that the temperatures in the remote region where the camps will be based can reach 140 degrees. We guess that Survivor has figured out that the best way to get higher ratings is for contestants to spontaneously combust.

Just as has been the case in the past seasons, Survivor is looking to play up the romantic angles whenever possible. The speed with which a likely hookup occurs could create a sonic boom. At the one minute mark, according to our TiVo, hairstylist Erinn of the Timbira tribe professes her love for "tall, spiky-haired model boy".

Not so fast. The aforementioned "tall, spiky-haired model boy" turns out to be Tyson, a professional cyclist in the Timbira tribe. His first impression of his various tribemates includes the observation that the younger brunette "comes off as being the bitch". Oh, it *is* going to be one of those seasons.




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Stephen, a corporate consultant on the Jalapao tribe laments, then celebrates the presence of "the strung out old lady" (we'll call her Sandy), taking comfort in the fact that with her there, he knows he won't be the first to go. Immediately, we cut out to Sandy, who is a bus driver, also on the Jalapao tribe. She emphasizes that Stephen "looks like a geek" and says she's gonna be able to "lead him around real easy". Their white/trash May/December romance could be the new Harold & Maude.

Next up is Sierra, a model on the TImbira tribe, who complains to the camera about sore tonsils. Don't worry, Sierra. We're sure that the medical facilities in the Tocantins will be state-of-the-art. This causes Benjamin, the soccer coach who apparently prefers to be called "Coach" to take time out from his busy schedule of grooming his mullet to note the likelihood of Sierra's crumbling. Apparently, Survivor just couldn't cast any optimists this year.

Once the map shows that they are exactly in the middle of nowhere, Probst announces that the tribes have already been divided and states that this is their first opportunity to work together. Each team has 20 seconds to retrieve as many supplies as possible from the vehicle they rode in on before it departs. For what it's worth, the Survivors do a pretty good job of stripping the truck bare.

Probst divides the troops up and asks them for their thoughts. Coach takes this opportunity to openly gloat that they got all of the water and beans. The host quizzes Spencer from the other team about his thoughts on the matter, and he blithely states, "We'll be all right. We'll make do." Probst's face expresses the appropriate amount of skepticism. Without missing a beat, he points out their majestic surroundings and notes that they're the only people around for miles upon miles. He also gleefully states that they have a four hour trek to their camp, and will have to carry all the heavy supplies they just acquired through the heat of the day.


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