On the Big Board
|Okay, we all know Uwe Boll sucks as a filmmaker, so let's focus on something different this time. Who did the god-awful music in this and how tone deaf are they? Free advice: never play Rock Band.
|Oh, Uwe Boll. I may not remember the video game well but this movie seems to have no relevance to it, nor much to offer sword & sworcery fans.
When we last saw the nefarious mad scientist, Doctor Uwe Boll, he had been soundly defeated by the peoples of North America. His last project, codename “BloodRayne”, had started with such hope. Given access to yet another successful videogame property, Boll intended to assault society with a wide-scale release of the genuinely atrocious movie. Boll’s ally in the movie-distribution axis of evil was Billy Zane. Their plan was to use Zane’s new distribution arm, Romar Releasing, to put prints in 2,500 theaters across the Americas, rendering innocent viewers paralyzed by the horror of the movie they would be watching. A twist of fate, perhaps divine intervention, stopped this from occurring. Only 985 locations chose to willingly distribute Bloodrayne. Undeterred, the maniacal Boll sent 1,000 additional prints of Bloodrayne to unwilling recipients, presumably hoping that releasing a toxin within the print’s casing would make the theater managers susceptible to the suggestion of airing Boll’s latest monstrosity. This villainous plot failed, leaving Bloodrayne, a $25 million production, with only $1.5 million worth of opening weekend box office on its way to a final domestic gross of $2.4 million. Boll’s minions wasted more money on unused prints than the movie earned after opening weekend.
BOP immediately declared victory in our ongoing war against the villainous Doctor Uwe Boll.
While we have been popping endless bottles of champagne, enjoying ticker parades, and high-fiving fellow movie critics across North America, the greatest threat to modern cinema has been holed up, licking his wounds. The coward Uwe Boll has found amusement only in the sport of boxing, his game being to bait unfit movie critics into three round bouts. A former amateur boxer himself, Boll has manipulated some of these poor, misguided souls into believing that the exhibitions were only for show. Then, he proceeded to surprise them with his displays of licensed violence. A small, insecure man, Boll is only capable of achieving satisfaction by picking on these carefully selected weaker opponents. BOP, notorious for having several staff members who are 6-4 or taller, has seen our requests for a bout go unanswered. A coward to the end, Boll hides in the darkness, awaiting the moment when he may strike out against the good and the just once more.
In January of 2008, some 24 months after his colossal failure with Bloodrayne, Boll returns his cancerous directorial skills to North American theaters. Through the power of hypnosis, he has tricked a very talented group of people into joining him in this latest attempt to infiltrate society. Ray Liotta, Leelee Sobieski, Burt Reynolds (?), and BOP fave Jason Statham have aligned themselves with the dark forces of Boll and Zane. They have semi-willingly agreed to participate in his latest videogame-to-movie adaption. In this one, he defiles the Dungeon Siege franchise by scarring it with his poisonous touch. BOP will forego our usual habit of describing the details of the plot, because we have frankly wasted more time on the combined works of Uwe Boll than is deserved.
What we can say for certain is simple. If you pay money to see this movie, you will regret it. You will be scarred by it. There will be no redemption for your actions.
This is our nation’s greatest threat since Hank Scorpio successfully implemented Codename Arcturus. Despite the talent involved, let there be no mistake on this point. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale – just as every other project Boll has ever or will ever direct – is unwelcome in our land and among our people. This man’s insidious integration into North American society is unacceptable. His transgressions against art and culture have been allowed for too long. BOP calls on our readers to make a stand against Uwe Boll as well as any otherwise laudable actors who sully themselves in exchange for a Boll-signed paycheck. When the end of days arrives, those first marked with the number of the beast will be the ones who supported the career of Uwe Boll. Stand against the Uwe Boll onslaught or identify yourself as a blight upon society. (David Mumpower/BOP)
Vital statistics for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Movie
Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies
Ray Liotta, Matthew Lillard, Burt Reynolds, Will Sanderson, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Brian J. White, Kristanna Loken, Gabrielle Rose
Glenn M. Benest, David S. Freeman, Doug Taylor
|Click Here for Trailer
|Talent in red has entry in The Big Picture