Shaking Our Fists at the Sun
The BOP 25 of Holiday Edition
By Calvin Trager
November 1, 2007
Is Fred Claus out on DVD yet? I'd like to try watching the movie again, but this time in one sitting instead of in 30 second installments parsed out from July through November. I mean, that's a lot of commercials to devote to a product with zero chance of producing a four-hour erection is all I'm saying. And if you've caught even a glimpse of Paul Giamatti in a Santa suit then you know that I mean it when I say zero chance.
Now listen, I know you're naturally skeptical, it's one of the reasons we get along so well. So I'm already thinking you will not believe me when I tell you that Jerry Seinfeld has made a movie about bees, but I swear it's true. Now, according to the advertising, the movie is about – WAIT, WHO CARES, JERRY SEINFELD! JERRY SEINFELD MADE A MOVIE!!!
Wow, an entire movie.
Imagined conversation between a three-year-old Jerry Seinfeld and his mother: "Now Jerry, lots of people know how to go potty in the potty, but they don't tell the mailman about it every single day."
Margot at the Wedding is Jennifer Jason Leigh's first movie since 2005. Speaking of cheap jokes I've been waiting two years to use, don't you wish you could have been there the first time Jason Lee introduced himself to Jennifer Jason Leigh? You're right, he probably just handed her a pamphlet.
After careful research, I'm reasonably certain that's just pure animation and not actually a fully naked Angelina Jolie in Beowulf. And, I'm reasonably certain I don't care.
Coming in first in the contest for the most enigmatic title, it's a tie between Youth Without Youth and Lions For Lambs. Coming in last: There Will Be Blood.
Transcript of the conversation I just had with myself:
I should make fun of the National Treasure sequel, I mean that movie sucked, right?
Well, the first one made $173 million so a sequel is not out of the question.
Sweet Jesus, $173 million? But that movie sucked, right?
Well, Rotten Tomatoes scored it at 41% - that's not great, but it's not a complete disaster either. Maybe you're confusing it with Saraha.
I'm feeling dizzy.
I know, I'm kind of talking you into it, aren't I?
...So which punchline do you like better, Gone a Bit Further in Another 60 Seconds, or Weatherman 2: Partly Cloudy?
And now, a brief tangent: Look boss, I know you think the notion of putting a daycare next to an old folks home is a prime example of business synergy, but if you take time to think about it, it's actually the worst analogy ever. Do you really want to expose a bunch of vulnerable immune systems to a bunch of little germ factories? Not to mention the potential liability the first time a baby gets dropped. There, I feel a lot better.