Shaking Our Fists at the Sun
The BOP 25 of Holiday Edition
By Calvin Trager
November 1, 2007

Wait for it.....

Is [tm:3125_]Fred Claus[/tm] out on DVD yet? I'd like to try watching the movie again, but this time in one sitting instead of in 30 second installments parsed out from July through November. I mean, that's a lot of commercials to devote to a product with zero chance of producing a four-hour erection is all I'm saying. And if you've caught even a glimpse of [bp:225_]Paul Giamatti[/bp] in a Santa suit then you know that I mean it when I say zero chance.

Now listen, I know you're naturally skeptical, it's one of the reasons we get along so well. So I'm already thinking you will not believe me when I tell you that Jerry Seinfeld has made a [tm:2517_]movie about bees[/tm], but I swear it's true. Now, according to the advertising, the movie is about – WAIT, WHO CARES, JERRY SEINFELD! JERRY SEINFELD MADE A MOVIE!!!

Wow, an entire movie.

Imagined conversation between a three-year-old Jerry Seinfeld and his mother: "Now Jerry, lots of people know how to go potty in the potty, but they don't tell the mailman about it every single day."

[tm:3946_]Margot at the Wedding[/tm] is Jennifer Jason Leigh's first movie since 2005. Speaking of cheap jokes I've been waiting two years to use, don't you wish you could have been there the first time [bp:1349_]Jason Lee[/bp] introduced himself to Jennifer Jason Leigh? You're right, he probably just handed her a pamphlet.

After careful research, I'm reasonably certain that's just pure animation and not actually a fully naked [bp:101_]Angelina Jolie[/bp] in [tm:2727_]Beowulf[/tm]. And, I'm reasonably certain I don't care.

Coming in first in the contest for the most enigmatic title, it's a tie between [tm:3035_]Youth Without Youth[/tm] and [tm:3754_]Lions For Lambs[/tm]. Coming in last: [tm:3310_]There Will Be Blood[/tm].

Transcript of the conversation I just had with myself:

I should make fun of the [tm:2736_]National Treasure sequel[/tm], I mean that movie sucked, right?

Well, the first one made $173 million so a sequel is not out of the question.

Sweet Jesus, $173 million? But that movie sucked, right?

Well, Rotten Tomatoes scored it at 41% - that's not great, but it's not a complete disaster either. Maybe you're confusing it with Saraha.

I'm feeling dizzy.

I know, I'm kind of talking you into it, aren't I?

...So which punchline do you like better, Gone a Bit Further in Another 60 Seconds, or Weatherman 2: Partly Cloudy?

And now, a brief tangent: Look boss, I know you think the notion of putting a daycare next to an old folks home is a prime example of business synergy, but if you take time to think about it, it's actually the worst analogy ever. Do you really want to expose a bunch of vulnerable immune systems to a bunch of little germ factories? Not to mention the potential liability the first time a baby gets dropped. There, I feel a lot better.

I'm old enough to remember when it seemed like just a matter of time before [bp:145_]Tom Cruise[/bp] got his Academy Award. It's important to remember this now that there's an entire generation of movie goers viewing the ads for [tm:3754_]Lions For Lambs[/tm] and disappointedly saying things like, "Geez, what is he thinking with this movie? It looks like Tom Cruise's Saturn Award nomination streak is over!"

In yet another case of Hollywood using the easily outraged as a marketing department, it has come to our attention that Church groups are in the process of raising consumer awareness – er, I mean raising a big fat stink over [tm:904_]The Golden Compass[/tm] for its potential to place anti-Christian themes squarely in front of impressionable youth. Even potentially worse, the movie, which is based on the first book of the His Dark Materials trilogy, could steer unsuspecting children toward the sequel books. The sequels, according to the trembling housewives, I mean concerned citizens, are so nefarious they make the first one look like a Sunday School textbook. Now look, I know everyone's first instinct here is to point and laugh, but we at BOP urge you to exercise some empathy (as well as irony). I mean, who better than the conservative right to know about the risk of becoming brainwashed simply by reading a book?

[tm:3852_]The Mist[/tm] is either the lamest, most redundant horror movie premise ever, or the best beauty parlor sapphic romantic comedy premise ever. And now that I think about it, hopefully it's both.

You have to give credit where credit is due – the makers of [tm:3840_]Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story[/tm] cast the fuck out of this movie. This movie has so many parts it literally needed two casting directors. Jenna Fischer, Paul Rudd, Jason Schwartzman, John C. Reilly. Hey, there's the dude from the Mac commercials. Hey, it's a bunch of people that used to be on Saturday Night Live! Hey, there's the guy from The Office – no, not the funny one, the other one! Hey, there's a bunch of smoking hot chicks playing ‘characters' like ‘Asian Groupie' and ‘LSD Vision'. Hey, there's that really short Playboy Playmate from ten years ago! Hey, there's [bp:198_]Jack Black[/bp] – no, I mean Jack White – wait, there they both are! And so forth and so on.

In contrast, [tm:3002_]I Am Legend[/tm], about the last survivor of a virus that obliterates humanity, only has about eight characters in it. It's like the anti-Dewey. When Kathleen Chopin gets together for lunch with Anya Colloff and Amy McIntyre Britt, does she have to just sit there while they go on and on about how they weren't sure if Stephanie Katz was better for the part of ‘Hotel Groupie' or ‘Rehab Nurse'?

I can't believe I'm almost to the end and I haven't made fun of [bp:6_]Dustin Hoffman[/bp] yet. I guess a picture really is worth a thousand words.

I think Aaron Sorkin is one more failed project away from a semi-autobiographical Showtime series about a dysfunctional writer who does a lot of drugs and dates really short actresses while his professional life ebbs and flows, kind of like a grittier version of Entourage, but without Turtle. This excites and terrifies me to the extent that I'm not sure if I'm rooting for [tm:1457_]Charlie Wilson's War[/tm] to be good or to suck. Oh, who am I kidding?

I don't want to alarm you, but Josh Brolin figures prominently in our top two most anticipated movies of the holiday season ([tm:1229_]American Gangster[/tm] and [tm:2106_]No Country For Old Men[/tm]). Now, if I remember my Revelations correctly, this means you should start stocking up on canned goods and bottled water.

Have a happy Holiday movie season and people, please, don't take any wooden fruitcake. See ya next time.