This Weekend, Read This

or The Unofficial Harry Potter Bracket Part 1

By Curt David

April 14, 2020

The worst

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I am honored to be writing again on my favorite website, BOP! From 2009 - 2016, I wrote over 600 columns called This Weekend, Watch This. This is a link to my very first column ever, that Ricky Gervais complimented, and this is the column where I turned every film from 2013 into a haiku.

During this time of social distancing, especially since March Madness was cancelled, I wanted to add a little bit more joy into the world by producing The Unofficial Harry Potter Bracket. This first column will summarize the very scientific and well-researched process of determining the 32-seeds for the bracket. The next columns in the series will summarize the winners of each duel. (Want to vote in the duels? Follow me on Twitter @himmelberger_c and Instagram @curt_himmelberger, ).

Scroll down to see the 32-seeded bracket. Here’s how it was created.

1. I decided that Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore, and Harry Potter should not be in this bracket because of their reputations of being the best wizard of all-time. As a consolation, the three of them and the winner of this bracket can face off in a special All-Stars Final Four tournament (I assume Voldemort vs. The Winner and Harry Potter vs. Dumbledore, since HP and Dumbledore have already dueled Voldemort).

2. To narrow the field, I decided that only wizards and witches would be allowed in this tournament. So no Dobby, Griphook, or Buckbeak. The tournament will be full of wands and each match will ask, “Who would win in a duel between…”

3. I then made a list of all of the wizards and witches in Harry Potter. I even consulted the vast knowledge of the internet to make sure that I did not leave out any glaring exceptions. I added another stipulation: the participants had to be alive at some point during the seven Harry Potter books and a major character (so no Godric Gryffindor. Nearly Headless Nick was disqualified. Not even Grindelwald, even though he was slain by Lord Voldemort in the series. Cedric Diggory is eligible.)

4. I then ranked the top 50 wizards. Some notable wizards who did not make the cut: Horace Slughorn, Dean Thomas, Narcissa Malfoy, Xenophilius Lovegood, and Bill Weasley. If two wizards seemed equal in power, then name recognition and popularity would give the higher seed to a character.

5. Finally, relationships and interactions from the books would determine which region of the bracket each wizard would be entered. “Bad” wizards and witches would be spread out, about two in each region. So would the numerous Weasley characters, with none of them playing each other in the first round. Bellatrix Lestrange and Molly Weasley would be put in two different halves of the bracket, since they already dueled; and could only meet each other again in the finals. Minerva McGonagall and Dolores Umbridge were put in the same region, because they need to duel, but they’ll only meet if they both survive to the Elite Eight.




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Despite the passionate fanbase of the series, I might go out on a limb and say that the following is the definitive rankings of The Unofficial Harry Potter Tournament. (And if someone was mis-seeded, then hopefully justice will be carried out in the voting. How does the scientific voting work? I post a daily duel on my Instagram and Twitter account, and the wizard or witch with the most votes moves on in the tournament. Future columns will not only reveal the winners, but will also predict how each match would actually go down.)

And without further ado, the Unofficial Harry Potter Bracket:

EAST
1 Minerva McGonagall
8 Gilderoy Lockhart
4 Arthur Weasley
5 Lucius Malfoy
3 Ron Weasley
6 Filius Flitwick
2 Dolores Umbridge
7 Viktor Krum

WEST
1 Bellatrix Lestrange
8 Rita Skeeter
4 Kingsley Shacklebolt
5 Cedric Diggory
3 Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody
6 Fred Weasley
2 Luna Lovegood
7 Gregory Goyle

SOUTH
1 Molly Weasley
8 Sybill Trelawney
4 Neville Longbottom
5 Fleur Delacour
3 Draco Malfoy
6 George Weasley
2 Nymphadora Tonks
7 Vincent Crabbe

NORTH
1 Hermione Granger
8 Pomona Sprout
4 Remus Lupin
5 Peter Pettigrew
3 Ginny Weasley
6 Rubeus Hagrid
2 Severus Snape
7 Cho Chang


     


 
 

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