5 Ways to Comic Con: Part Four
By George Rose
September 6, 2017
Well, instead of flirting I threw his coworker under the bus. I told him that Yondo declined taking a fun picture with me and gave him my best broken hearted face. I guess secretly I was hoping it would make him feel bad and, surprisingly, it worked. The assistant took my phone, Kraglin got down on one knee and proposed to me with the Funko. It was a dream come true and I will never forget his kindness in accommodating my silly request. I then took my two signed Funko Pops over to the photographing area and took my double picture with the Guardians of the Galaxy. The line was quick and, before I knew it, they left my life as fast as they came into it.
Celebrity #4: Phoenix (aka Famke Janssen)
With the Con closing at 4pm, my hopes of finding a Phoenix Funko were growing smaller by the second. At 3:15pm, I found a X3 Jean Grey action figure. Not the X-Men memento I was hoping for but definitely something worth signing. I ran over to the autographing ticket booth to see if Phoenix was coming around again and, wouldn’t you know, she was closing out the Con with a 3:30pm signing. I bought the action figure, purchased a second autograph so I could have a sexy photo signed for my dad (she was a Bond villain in 1995’s Goldeneye) and got into her empty line at 3:25pm. Why was there no line? What if she cancelled at the last second because nobody was waiting?! Her assistant said she was on her way and pointed to the light.
No, it wasn’t a light, it was Phoenix’s perfectly fitted, yellow lace knee-length dress glowing distance. Her hair was long and dark, just like in 1999’s House on Haunted Hill. She walked with such confidence; it was clear she was the most famous celebrity at the Con. However, the closer she got the more she seemed to age. She went from youthful horror film hottie to the older mom in the Taken series in just a few short steps. And then, just as she sat down and she was only two feet in front of me, she was practically unrecognizable. Her face seemed almost fake, pulled back like a Hollywood plastic surgeon’s play thing. After she signed the Bond picture for my dad and the Phoenix action figure for me, I turned around and saw that nobody else was in line. I felt bad so I tried thinking of something clever to say to entertain her.
“Do you know that because of your time on Nip/Tuck I now have the general assumption that all male-to-female transgender surgeries lead to a maximum vaginal depth of only five inches?”
Yup, that’s what my brain decided was a good thing to say. Phoenix’s botox-filled mouth dropped ever so slightly in shock. I looked at her assistant and she was mortified. She put her hand on Phoenix’s shoulder and said to me, “You should look that up online.” I took my things and, once again, ran away like a coward just as I had done earlier. It was weeks before I could tell my friends this story. Now we laugh at it and, hopefully, you do too. I don’t know why I’m such an idiot but if I can save one celebrity by telling you these stories then it was all worth it.