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Alright, ya big dummies, no more delays. You’ve read, you’ve waited and now it’s here. Four celebrity showdowns over three pages. No time to waste. Ready… Set… COMIC CON!!!

Convention #7: Philadelphia Comic Con Day 2, Sunday, June 4, 2017

Here’s the thing about celebrities. If you refer to them as their character name then they aren’t real people. If they aren’t real people then it’s not so bad when you rob them blind or talk to them about their hypothetical transgender vagina. If they aren’t real then maybe I’m not real either. I’m not the guy that disrespects the rich so I can give joy to the poor. I’m just a boy, standing in front of celebrities, asking them to love me… or at least not to have me arrested.

Celebrity #1: The Hulk (aka Lou Ferrigno)

My friend Heather is usually a master of the arts of taking secret celebrity pics. Stand far away, pretend to be texting, zoom in, SNAP SNAP SNAP!!! Well, Heather was very pregnant at this Con and was in no mood to be told what to do, even if that thing is one of her favorite pastimes. I went up to Hulk’s booth with the Funko I had just found twenty minutes earlier, gave him my collectible, told him he was an icon to me, pulled out $40 and started to hand it to Hulk’s assistant. “That’ll be $80,” he said. “I thought it was only $40,” I replied. “$40 for an autograph but $80 if you also want to take a booth picture to verify the authenticity of the autograph.”

I was confused. I thought it was $40 for an autograph and $50 to take one of those professional pictures with Hulk later. Where did $80 come from? That’s not even good math. Was Hulk trying to rob me? I finally grew the balls I needed to look up from the Funko and into Hulk’s eyes. They were green with anger. He glared at me then he looked right past me. Instead of seeing Heather about fifty feet away in a crowd somewhere, I saw she was standing THREE FEET AWAY. Camera right in her hand and everything. Oh yeah, there was even a security guard standing near her looking at me with disgust. It took everything not to pee myself.

“Oh yeah, I knew it was $80, I was just waiting to take the picture until later but it looks like Heather is ready now. Here’s the other $40.” I wasn’t entirely sure if everyone was on the same page at this point but I knew I had to get out of there. Heather approached the booth and said she was ready to take the picture. I couldn’t even move so I stood right where I was. I tried leaning in as far in as possible (there was NO WAY I was going to stand next to the Hulk at this point) and we took the picture. I grabbed my Funko, thanked Hulk like everything was amazing and ran away like a little coward bitch. I had pissed off my first celebrity and was mortified.

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