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4) The Island (2005)

I don’t mind people calling Bay a hack. Sure, his action is crazy and edited too quickly and the close-up shots get out of hand, but he knows how to make an entertaining movie. You can’t direct such a string of successful hits (Bad Boys, The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor) and not be doing something right. The Island was trashed by critics and bombed domestically, but I can’t help but consider it underrated. Set in a world where clones are produced as a means of assisting humans in need of organ transplants, the clones learn of this genocide… I mean medical malpractice… and try to escape their inevitable death. Starring still-on-the-rise Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, the film is action-packed and asks questions often too big for a blockbuster. It may not handle such controversial conversation with Oscar winning flair, but it is by no means a horrible movie. I think it’s quite entertaining and one of the few black marks on Bay’s career that deserves a second chance.

5) Boogie Nights (1997)

Bay has directed all five Transformers movies while the only lead actor returning for the new movie is Mark Wahlberg, though there are a handful of secondary characters coming back for the action, too. This makes Wahlberg the most important actor of Transformers 5. To enjoy the movie as much as possible, you must find a way to enjoy the presence of Marky Mark. Straight men, you may want to go find another one of your favorite Wahlberg action movies to remind you of your love for the super buff jock you all idolize. For everyone else, watch Boogie Nights. I’ve never actually seen the movie and, at a whopping two hours and 35 minutes long, I probably never will. I imagine I would really enjoy this critically acclaimed story about a young man navigating the porn industry in the 1970s and 80s if it weren’t for the length (ha) of the movie.

Some things are just too big to enjoy (ha ha). But thanks to the internet you can now Google search for the only screenshot of the movie that matters: when Mark pulls out his magical 13-inch member. No, it’s not real, it’s a prosthetic, but still. Have you ever been on a horrible date with a guy but stayed throughout dinner because you wanted to eat his cannoli for dessert? It helps being a part of a disastrous date if you’re able to at least enjoy the view of a handsome individual. Mark Wahlberg is a gorgeous specimen of a man and will definitely help make Transformers 5 watchable. And, if his face and body and Calvin Klein underwear ads aren’t enough, then seeing his 13-inches of manhood in Boogie Nights might help you see the light. Unless you’re kneeling under it because that super sausage can cast some shade (ha ha ha, nailed it).

And with that, my friends, you are ready for Transformers 5. Check back next week to see which fifth-quel won the battle of opening weekend champ and see which, based on that opening, may potentially win the war. Also, check back to see if I chose Baby Driver or Despicable Me 3 as the movie to prep for. One is currently 100% positive on Rotten Tomatoes and one is the third (slash fourth) entry in one of the world’s biggest animated movie brands. It will be a tough call, so feel free to DM me on Instagram (RoseByAnyName) if you care to cast a vote.

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