5 Ways to Prep: How to Be a Latin Lover

By George Rose

April 27, 2017

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

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Uuugggghhhh, is the summer box office season here yet? With Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 still over a week away and the summer bonanza about to begin, we find ourselves in the Hollywood dumping ground that is the final weekend in April. May, you can’t come soon enough.

This week I found myself stuck between the two releases. First we have The Circle starring Emma “I just made a billion dollars with Beauty and the Beast so I’m the biggest star in the world” Watson and Tom “I was the biggest star in the world over a decade ago before I got old” Hanks. So, yeah, that seems like a pretty good choice. I mean, two huge stars should be interesting to watch but then again we’ve already seen movies about what happens when one entity has control over all the information in the world.

That was interesting ten years ago when the internet was still developing and Eagle Eye (2008) came out and showed us how attaching artificial intelligence to such a knowledgeable databank can prove to be disastrous. In 2017, Emma Watson finds herself working for Tom Hanks’ company, The Circle, and isn’t happy that they have this level of access to information… or something. Um, do people still worry about that?

OBVIOUSLY there are companies and governments that have access to all our info (Facebook , the FBI, etc.) and OBVIOUSLY it’s scary but don’t we all sort of assume this is going on and no longer care? You’d basically have to be a drug addict, a pervert or a terrorist for this concept to be scary anymore. Everyone else has moved on and is pretty comfortable sending d!cK pics online to random strangers so I can’t imagine boring you with already outdated movies that could compare to and prepare you for The Circle. All I can say is start watching anything/everything Emma Watson has ever starred in because she’s my current lady crush.


So with The Circle proving too boring for me, I am left with How to Be a Latin Lover. Is there any chance you or I are going to see this in theaters? Probably not. But if you should know one thing about my “friendly” days before falling in love and getting engaged, it’s that I once found myself crazy for Latino men. Spanish, Mexican, Puerto Rican… it didn’t matter. Latino men have a special place in my heart and on the notches of my bedpost. Since you probably won’t be seeing this movie, we can consider this article to have a secondary purpose; not only will it prepare you for Latin Lover (I’m already tired of writing the full title) but it could help provide you with something to talk about if you find yourself lucky enough to be in the arms of a Latin lover.

1) Fools Rush In (1997)

Latin Lover is about a slutty con artist named Maximo (Eugenio Derbez) that gets kicked to the curb by his older sugar mama. He must now go live with his sister, Sara (Salma Hayek), and her son while he plans his next con. Something tells me the power of family helps him clean up his act, which would be a shame because the world needs more Latinos running around trying to share their sexual powers. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop reading this article and go have sex with the nearest Latino you find. You can thank me later.

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