This Weekend, Watch This: A comparison for the new releases for December 25-28, 2014

This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for December 25-28, 2014

By Curt David

December 26, 2014

Johnny Depp just found out about face painting.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

Also, for the next month I’ll tell you why Andy Serkis should be nominated for Box Office Prophet’s Calvin Awards (click here for more info) as Best Actor. 1. He was the lead actor in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. 2. His stop-motion acting for Gollum and Caesar is as impressive as any other actor’s acting these days. 3. And any award show that doesn’t nominate him is just plain mistaken*.

For Christmas weekend, the three new movies in wide release are Into the Woods, Unbroken, and The Gambler.

	Into the Woods	Unbroken	The Gambler	WINNER (1 point per category)
Clearest Title	Looks like a movie version of the musical.	Perseverance will probably be in this movie	A gambler will probably be in this movie	Into the Woods gets the point of the most recognizable title
Best Genre and Rating	Fantasy Musical Rated PG for thematic elements, fantasy action and peril, and some suggestive material.	War Biography Rated PG-13 for war violence including intense sequences of brutality, and for brief language	Crime Drama Rated R for language throughout, and for some sexuality/nudity	Three different genres and ratings. Merry Christmas! 1/3 point each.
Best Plot (in haiku form)	Fairy tale people Bad witch interacts with them In woods with singing	Guy is P.O.W. Gets bad treatment. A true tale. Rescued and forgives	Guy’s gambling problem Gets him caught up in bad stuff Has to gamble more	Unbroken scores the point for best plot
Best Trailer	PROS: Super famous people in a super epic fantasy musical CONS: Possibly none	PROS: One of the most amazing true life stories of all-time, great for Christmas or any day of the year CONS: Perhaps none	PROS: Looks like a good suspenseful drama with oscar-caliber-ish acting CONS: The entire plot might hinge on putting money on a roulette wheel, which would be dumb	And Into the Woods and Unbroken will split the point for best trailer
Coolest Lead Actor	Meryl Streep from 18 Oscar-nominated roles	Jack O’Connell from the 300 sequel.	Mark Wahlberg from Boogie Nights and Lone Survivor.	Meryl Streep easily wins this point.
Best Cast	Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick, Chris Pine, Johnny Depp, and others!	No one I recognize yet.	Jessica Lange and John Goodman	Into the Woods wins this point.
Best Street Cred For the Production	Director Rob Marshall also directed Chicago and Pirates of the Caribbean 4.	Director Angelina Jolie also directed In the Land of Blood and Honey.	Director Rupert Wyatt also directed Rise of the Planet of the Apes.	Rob and Angie will split the point for best street cred.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Into the Woods scores 3 and 5/6 points (and a gold star), Unbroken scores 2 and 5/6 points, and The Gambler scores 1/3 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you think the true story of Louis Zamperini is remarkable (as I do), feel free to watch Unbroken. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Into the Woods is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This week had some good choices as Into the Woods’ “Be careful what you wish for,” beats out Unbroken’s “Survival. Resilience. Redemption,” and The Gambler’s “The Only way out is All in.”
Conclusion 3: Even though Jack O’Connell should give Best Actor a run for its money, I’m still campaigning for Andy Serkis to get a Best Actor Calvin Awards’ nomination.

*The words “is just plain mistaken” were added to that sentence. The editors of this column would not allow the original wording of that sentence to be published due to its vulgarity.

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