Survivor San Juan Del Sur Recap
Episode 1, Part 1

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

September 24, 2014

Here are the people who will be ruining your Wednesday nights this year.

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John’s girlfriend takes this opportunity to distinguish herself. Some of the first words out of her mouth – “hair and boobs.” She reminds us of Parvati’s last name… Shallow. Then again, if she dumps Rocker at any point this season, we will immediately start a campaign to make her the $100,000 winner of fan favorite.

We are then introduced to Missy and Baylor, a mother and daughter who are apparently connected by the mother’s three divorces. We would like to think there is more to their relationship, but during their relationship it’s just that discussion and looking at treetop monkeys.

Next up are Alec and Drew. Although the casting department is probably hoping that they’re Aras and Vytas Part II, we see them as Fabio 2 and… Fabio 2. Dale and Kelley are introduced now. There’s no mention of how many times either one has been married, so we’ll take that as a good sign. Oh, wait. They didn’t talk for three years, and are hoping Survivor will bring them closer together. We’re sure that will work out well.

Also competing are Josh and Reed, who are not only Broadway performers, but also super fans of the show. We don’t know which is which yet, but one of them got the other one flint for Valentine’s Day. So that one is the cheap date of the two. The most instantly likable couple so far is the duo of Jeremy and Val. He’s a firefighter and she is a police officer. Since we’ve had recent unpleasant experiences on Survivor with a police officer, we’re choosing to like Jeremy the most. They’re everyday heroes wearing Boston Strong t-shirts, so we figure they’re the early leaders in the clubhouse for Fan Favorite. Then again, the competition is John Rocker and the Anderson twins.


Nadiya and Natalie are on, so we fast forward. We figure they say “twinnie” a lot so we’re not missing anything. If a horror film wanted to terrify us, they’d just use a soundtrack of their shrill voices.

Ooh, it’s firefighter season on Survivor! Keith and Wes are Louisiana firemen and also father and son. They are not off to a good start, as the show’s opening activity is to practice making fire by using flint. They lose their striker, which we suppose means they’re better at putting out fires than starting them.

We cut back to Probst and he is standing on the outside of the helicopter as it turns to shore. He is a glorious specimen of manhood.

The show attempts to build some suspense by showing the separation of tribes; however, the premise is that you compete against your loved one, so we know exactly how this is going to go. The two tribes are called Coyopa and Hunahpu, and we immediately throw our support toward Huahpu because they have only one Anderson twin and no John Rocker.

We have a new leader in the popularity contest. Poppa Keith, the firefighter from Louisana, states the following. “I watch all types of sports, and I’m pretty damn sure this is John Rocker, the relief pitcher for the Braves. And he was an ass when he played then, and he might be still an ass now.” We love you, Keith. We’re in love with you.

Continued:       1       2       3       4



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