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Nadiya and Natalie are on, so we fast forward. We figure they say “twinnie” a lot so we’re not missing anything. If a horror film wanted to terrify us, they’d just use a soundtrack of their shrill voices. Ooh, it’s firefighter season on Survivor! Keith and Wes are Louisiana firemen and also father and son. They are not off to a good start, as the show’s opening activity is to practice making fire by using flint. They lose their striker, which we suppose means they’re better at putting out fires than starting them. We cut back to Probst and he is standing on the outside of the helicopter as it turns to shore. He is a glorious specimen of manhood. The show attempts to build some suspense by showing the separation of tribes; however, the premise is that you compete against your loved one, so we know exactly how this is going to go. The two tribes are called Coyopa and Hunahpu, and we immediately throw our support toward Huahpu because they have only one Anderson twin and no John Rocker. We have a new leader in the popularity contest. Poppa Keith, the firefighter from Louisana, states the following. “I watch all types of sports, and I’m pretty damn sure this is John Rocker, the relief pitcher for the Braves. And he was an ass when he played then, and he might be still an ass now.” We love you, Keith. We’re in love with you.
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