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Survivor San Juan Del Sur Recap
Episode 1, Part 1

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

September 24, 2014

Here are the people who will be ruining your Wednesday nights this year.

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What Rocker demonstrated with his words was that he was a coddled athlete whose entitlement was matched only by his ignorance of the world and his insecurity regarding his place in said world. In hindsight, Rocker was the first ambassador of the Tea Party, at least the ones who proudly display racist and homophobic behavior while ranting about America’s Kenyan president. Amusingly, Rocker has developed something of a second career by refusing to recant for any of his idiocy. In the immortal words of Joe Quimby, Rocker stands behind his ethnic slur.

John Rocker is a cast member of Survivor this season. Yes, you know that already, but let’s take a moment to consider just how fundamentally the casting department of the show has failed in order for that statement to become true. Rocker is neither the first elite player to participate on the show nor is he even the first Republican. Jeff Kent was a worthy Survivor contestant who hilariously vented about Obama taking a third of his potential winner’s check. John Rocker couldn’t do the math to figure out what one third of a million dollars is. If we are seeking a previous intellectual equivalent, he’s like Shambo without the military heroism.

The presence of John Rocker and the Anderson twins this season places us in the odd position of recapping a show whose ratings we hope plummet to cancellation levels. No, we do not want Survivor canceled, but the only way to take it off this path of celebrating vile human beings is through tangible lost viewers. We intended to exercise our opinion by not watching, but since we have to recap the season, we wanted to upfront and honest about how we feel, just as we always have in the past.

The good news is that the last time we were alarmed by casting, a tremendous season unfolded. Here’s hoping that the first three people voted out are the ones mentioned above, allowing us to enjoy what was once the best reality competition on television. And here’s fearing that John Rocker makes his way to the final vote the way that ELR was always strung along since everyone hated him.




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Probst is in the helicopter. We are go. The first major announcement, if you missed it, is that this is another Blood vs. Water season. There are nine duos participating, which means that we don’t hate 15 players this season. Well, so far.

The show begins quickly with their All-American couple, Jaclyn & Jon. She is a former Miss Michigan, while he played football for Michigan State. We note on his cast bio that Jon’s claim to fame is “Winning a Big 10 championship at Michigan State University.” We are tempted to make a joke about the quality of education at MSU, but then we remember that Kim’s sister is a professor at said institution. We’ll just focus on the act that they are the Beautiful People prophesied by Marilyn Manson.

Next up is Rocker. We could listen to what he says, which is something about the media being out to get him, or we could mention some fun John Rocker facts. Did you know that Rocker was on the list of athletes who participated in a steroid ring? Of course you did, because the media is out to get him! For what it’s worth, since we’re in the media, it’s definitely going to be true this season.


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