This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for April 18-20, 2014

By Curt David

April 19, 2014

Where's that homewrecker Goldilocks?

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Atlas Shrugged), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Catherine Zeta-Jones in The Haunting), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 6%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of April 18th, the new movies in wide release are Heaven is for Real, Transcendence, A Haunted House 2, and Bears.







Heaven is for Real TranscendenceA Haunted House 2BearsWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitlePreach it!Look it up in a dictionary!Don’t be ashamed you’re a parody sequel!Word!Sequels usually win with recognizable titles, but this week I’m giving it to the bestselling book about Heaven. Point.
Best Genre
and Rating
Drama
Rated PG thematic material including some medical situations
Sci-fi
Rated PG-13 for sci-fi action and violence, some bloody images, brief strong language and sensuality
Comedy
Rated R for crude and sexual content, nudity, pervasive language, drug use and some violent images
Documentary
Rated G
The holy grail of ratings! Four movies with four different ratings! A proud 1/4 point each.
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars)
Kid went to heaven
Tells the town of his time there
Based on true story!
Man makes computer
Dies and puts his soul in it
The world’s in danger
It reminds me of
Par’normal Activity
Sequel Parody
Documentary
Of bear and cute baby cubs
Disney Nature Film
They each have some things going for them. 1/4 point each.
Best Part of TrailerPROS: It made me cry. There, I’ll admit that.
CONS: None, unless a film with religious themes freaks you out
PROS: Good cast, and interesting plot
CONS: Looked boring for a robot taking over the world trailer
PROS: I chuckled at parts! (which was more than the first movie)
CONS: It may not be super funny, but I haven’t seen it
PROS: Bears are cute! They have real danger, adventure, and love!
CONS: None
Heaven is for Real trailer pulls on those heartstrings. Point.
Coolest Lead ActorGreg Kinnear from As Good As It Gets and Little Miss SunshineJohnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean and Edward Scissorhands. Marlon Wayans from White Chicks and Scary Movie. Narrated by John C. Reilly from Chicago and Step Brothers.Johnny Depp is the coolest actor in the world. Point.
Best CastThomas Haden Church from SidewaysMorgan Freeman from Million Dollar Baby. Jaime Pressly from My Name is Earl. BEARS!I may actually give the Bears the point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Written and directed by Randall Wallace who also wrote Braveheart and Pearl Harbor. Director Wally Pfister was the director of photography for The Dark Knight and many other films. Director Michael Tiddes also directed A Haunted House. Director Alastair Fothergill also directed African Cats and Chimpanzee. Future Steven Spielberg points all around! 1/4 point each.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Heaven is for Real scores 2 and 3/4 points, Transcendence and A Haunted House 2 score 1 and 3/4 points and a gold star each, and Bears scores 1 and 3/4 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you watch any film with Johnny Depp, feel free to watch Transcendence. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Heaven is for Real is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This week there’s a tie, with the awesome pun from A Haunted House 2, “It’ll scare the #2 out of you,” and the beautiful and engaging tagline from Transcendence, “Yesterday Dr. Will Caster was only human.”
Conclusion 3: I forget, do you play dead for a grizzly bear and yell at a black bear, or is it vice versa?

*Statistic is completely made up.




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