This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for April 18-20, 2014
By Curt David
April 19, 2014
BoxOfficeProphets.com
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of April 18th, the new movies in wide release are Heaven is for Real, Transcendence, A Haunted House 2, and Bears.
| Heaven is for Real | Transcendence | A Haunted House 2 | Bears | WINNER (1 point per category) | |
| Clearest Title | Preach it! | Look it up in a dictionary! | Don’t be ashamed you’re a parody sequel! | Word! | Sequels usually win with recognizable titles, but this week I’m giving it to the bestselling book about Heaven. Point. |
| Best Genre and Rating | Drama
Rated PG thematic material including some medical situations | Sci-fi
Rated PG-13 for sci-fi action and violence, some bloody images, brief strong language and sensuality | Comedy Rated R for crude and sexual content, nudity, pervasive language, drug use and some violent images | Documentary
Rated G | The holy grail of ratings! Four movies with four different ratings! A proud 1/4 point each. |
| Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars) | Kid went to heaven Tells the town of his time there Based on true story! | Man makes computer Dies and puts his soul in it The world’s in danger | It reminds me of Par’normal Activity Sequel Parody | Documentary Of bear and cute baby cubs Disney Nature Film | They each have some things going for them. 1/4 point each. |
| Best Part of Trailer | PROS: It made me cry. There, I’ll admit that.
CONS: None, unless a film with religious themes freaks you out | PROS: Good cast, and interesting plot
CONS: Looked boring for a robot taking over the world trailer | PROS: I chuckled at parts! (which was more than the first movie)
CONS: It may not be super funny, but I haven’t seen it | PROS: Bears are cute! They have real danger, adventure, and love!
CONS: None | Heaven is for Real trailer pulls on those heartstrings. Point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Greg Kinnear from As Good As It Gets and Little Miss Sunshine | Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean and Edward Scissorhands. | Marlon Wayans from White Chicks and Scary Movie. | Narrated by John C. Reilly from Chicago and Step Brothers. | Johnny Depp is the coolest actor in the world. Point. |
| Best Cast | Thomas Haden Church from Sideways | Morgan Freeman from Million Dollar Baby. | Jaime Pressly from My Name is Earl. | BEARS! | I may actually give the Bears the point. |
| Best Street Cred For the Production | Written and directed by Randall Wallace who also wrote Braveheart and Pearl Harbor. | Director Wally Pfister was the director of photography for The Dark Knight and many other films. | Director Michael Tiddes also directed A Haunted House. | Director Alastair Fothergill also directed African Cats and Chimpanzee. | Future Steven Spielberg points all around! 1/4 point each. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Heaven is for Real scores 2 and 3/4 points, Transcendence and A Haunted House 2 score 1 and 3/4 points and a gold star each, and Bears scores 1 and 3/4 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you watch any film with Johnny Depp, feel free to watch Transcendence. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Heaven is for Real is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This week there’s a tie, with the awesome pun from A Haunted House 2, “It’ll scare the #2 out of you,” and the beautiful and engaging tagline from Transcendence, “Yesterday Dr. Will Caster was only human.”
Conclusion 3: I forget, do you play dead for a grizzly bear and yell at a black bear, or is it vice versa?
*Statistic is completely made up.