| 47 Ronin
| Grudge Match | The Secret Life of Walter Mitty | The Wolf of Wall Street | Justin Bieber’s Believe | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Random number and word (or I think it’s a word). | There’ll be fighting. | About some guy. | About some guy, or wolf. | This will be about Justin Bieber. | Justin will get the first point, as I’m sure a lot of girls will recognize his title. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Action
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some disturbing images, and thematic elements | Comedy
Rated PG-13 for sports action violence, sexual content and language | Adventure
Rated PG for some crude comments, language and action violence | Biography
Rated R for sequences of strong sexual content, graphic nudity, drug use and language throughout, and for some violence | Documentary
Rated PG for brief language and mild thematic material | Five different genres! My 2013 was just made this week! 1/5th point for each! |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Man takes his revenge
On an entire army
But watch for dragons
| Two boxing rivals
Rematch 30 years later
Stallone. DeNiro.
| Guy has boring life
Stops dreaming and starts living
Has an adventure | Guy works at wall street
Makes a lot, a lot, of cash
Has parties and stuff | Documentary
The life of Justin Bieber
Singing to Troubles | 47 Ronin and Grudge Match split the point for best plot. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Interesting story, since there seems to be magic and fantasy creatures in the plot
CONS: May not be epic | PROS: It actually looked entertaining! (and I don’t find old people comedies entertaining**)
CONS: Might not be hilarious, even though billed as a comedy | PROS: It looked wildly engaging. Like not super funny or action-packed, but you want to get to know the characters more
CONS: Not super funny or action-packed. | PROS: Looks like an Oscar worthy making of a party movie
CONS: Is it just a party movie? | PROS: Not just a documentary about his singing, but also about him getting in trouble, so more interesting
CONS: His moustache. | Grudge Match and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty split the point for best trailer. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Keanu Reeves from The Matrix, Speed, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. | Sylvester Stallone from Rocky, Rambo, and The Expendables. | Ben Stiller from Zoolander, Tropic Thunder, and Meet the Parents. | Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception, Titanic, and The Departed. | Justin Bieber from Never Say Never. | Who to give the point to? It is Christmas. Okay, 1/5 point all around! |
| Best Cast | No stars that I recognized (but some are famous internationally) | Robert De Niro (Goodfellas), Kevin Hart (Think Like a Man), Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), and Kim Basinger (L.A. Confidential). | Kristen Wiig (Bridesmaids), Shirley MacLaine (Terms of Endearment), and Sean Penn (Mystic River) | Matthew McConaughey (A Time to Kill), Jonah Hill (Moneyball), Jon Favreau (Iron Man) and Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights) | Cameos of famous people talking about Justin Bieber. | The middle three movies will each get 1/3 point for best cast (I dare you to double check my math at the end of the column) |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer Chris Morgan also wrote Wanted, and Fast and Furious 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. | Director Peter Segal also directed Tommy Boy, 50 First Dates, and Get Smart. | Director Ben Stiller also directed Tropic Thunder, Zoolander, and The Cable Guy. | Director Martin Scorsese also directed Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and The Departed. | Director John M. Chu also directed Step Up 3D, Never Say Never, and G.I.Joe Retaliation. | And Martin Scorsese will win the point for best street cred. |
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