This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for December 25, 2013
By Curt David
December 25, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

You kind of have to wonder what they're looking at.
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Around the World in 80 Days), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Evangeline Lilly in Freddy vs. Jason), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 95%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the Christmas weekend, the new films in wide release are 47 Ronin, Grudge Match, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Believe.


47 Ronin Grudge MatchThe Secret Life of Walter MittyThe Wolf of Wall StreetJustin Bieber’s BelieveWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleRandom number and word (or I think it’s a word).There’ll be fighting.About some guy.About some guy, or wolf. This will be about Justin Bieber. Justin will get the first point, as I’m sure a lot of girls will recognize his title.
Best Genre
and Rating		Action
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some disturbing images, and thematic elements		Comedy
Rated PG-13 for sports action violence, sexual content and language		Adventure
Rated PG for some crude comments, language and action violence		Biography
Rated R for sequences of strong sexual content, graphic nudity, drug use and language throughout, and for some violence 		Documentary
Rated PG for brief language and mild thematic material		Five different genres! My 2013 was just made this week! 1/5th point for each!
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		Man takes his revenge
On an entire army
But watch for dragons 		Two boxing rivals
Rematch 30 years later
Stallone. DeNiro. 		Guy has boring life
Stops dreaming and starts living
Has an adventure		Guy works at wall street
Makes a lot, a lot, of cash
Has parties and stuff		Documentary
The life of Justin Bieber
Singing to Troubles		47 Ronin and Grudge Match split the point for best plot.
Best TrailerPROS: Interesting story, since there seems to be magic and fantasy creatures in the plot
CONS: May not be epic		PROS: It actually looked entertaining! (and I don’t find old people comedies entertaining**)
CONS: Might not be hilarious, even though billed as a comedy		PROS: It looked wildly engaging. Like not super funny or action-packed, but you want to get to know the characters more
CONS: Not super funny or action-packed. 		PROS: Looks like an Oscar worthy making of a party movie
CONS: Is it just a party movie?		PROS: Not just a documentary about his singing, but also about him getting in trouble, so more interesting
CONS: His moustache. 		Grudge Match and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty split the point for best trailer.
Coolest Lead ActorKeanu Reeves from The Matrix, Speed, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Sylvester Stallone from Rocky, Rambo, and The Expendables. Ben Stiller from Zoolander, Tropic Thunder, and Meet the Parents. Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception, Titanic, and The Departed. Justin Bieber from Never Say Never. Who to give the point to? It is Christmas. Okay, 1/5 point all around!
Best CastNo stars that I recognized (but some are famous internationally) Robert De Niro (Goodfellas), Kevin Hart (Think Like a Man), Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), and Kim Basinger (L.A. Confidential). Kristen Wiig (Bridesmaids), Shirley MacLaine (Terms of Endearment), and Sean Penn (Mystic River)Matthew McConaughey (A Time to Kill), Jonah Hill (Moneyball), Jon Favreau (Iron Man) and Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)Cameos of famous people talking about Justin Bieber. The middle three movies will each get 1/3 point for best cast (I dare you to double check my math at the end of the column)
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Writer Chris Morgan also wrote Wanted, and Fast and Furious 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. Director Peter Segal also directed Tommy Boy, 50 First Dates, and Get Smart. Director Ben Stiller also directed Tropic Thunder, Zoolander, and The Cable Guy. Director Martin Scorsese also directed Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and The Departed. Director John M. Chu also directed Step Up 3D, Never Say Never, and G.I.Joe Retaliation. And Martin Scorsese will win the point for best street cred.


So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Grudge Match scores 1 and 11/15 points (and a gold star), The Wolf of Wall Street scores 1 and 11/15 points, Believe scores 1 and 2/5 points, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty scores 1 and 7/30 points, and 47 Ronin scores 9/10 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you had a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic, feel free to watch The Wolf of Wall Street. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Grudge Match and The Wolf of Wall Street are the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline, which also serves as a tiebreaker. Grudge Match did have the best tagline this week with the simple, yet intriguing, “De Niro vs. Stallone.”
Conclusion 3: I will probably not catch any of these movies. If I saw a movie this week, I would probably watch Frozen or Anchorman 2.

*Statistic is completely made up.
* *Except Grumpy Old Men.