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Perhaps the weirdest confessional so far is claimed by Travis Masar, who somehow turns a discussion about his upcoming meal into an announcement of his fetish for Asian men. “I am a white guy who loves Asian food,” he says. His ex was Taiwanese and his current boyfriend is Vietnamese. What this has to do with alligator preparation I do not know. Maybe he needs alligator from the Pacific Ocean?

We are a full 15 minutes into the episode before that magical moment where the chefs put on their aprons for the first time. At the beginning, things are chaotic, with one chef falling down while another lights a skillet on fire. Top Chef turned into a Michael Bay film so gradually I hardly noticed.

The coolest confessional belongs to Nina Compton. She casually reveals that her dad once was the leader of St. Lucia, and I am not talking metaphorically. He was the Prime Minister and helped St. Lucia to attain independence from Great Britain during the 1970s. It’s true. He has a Wikipedia page and everything.

My favorite moment in the episode occurs when Bret Pelaggi notices Janine for the first time. His eyes bug out like he’s the wolf in the Looney Tunes cartoon. Clever editing shows her bend over to put a pan in the oven right as Bret breaks out into sweat. If Bret continues to see Janine for more than four hours, he’s going to need to consult a physician.

Tom Colicchio enters the kitchen and immediately watches Pretty Boy embarrass himself. Philadelphia’s sexiest chef is also Philadelphia’s bloodiest chef. Tom is mortified because he immediately sees blood in Jason’s food, and points out that he’s going to have to eat that later. Little does Tom know that he got lucky, because if that hadn’t happened, Jason would have talked about himself for five minutes.

Pin-up girl Sara reveals to Tom that she is working at the Minneapolis airport. The only logical conclusion I can make is that she’s a stripper, or possibly a pilot/flight attendant. Anyway, Sara reveals that she has gone out on her own because she feels that she was hiding behind her boss too much on her last couple of jobs. Tom wonders aloud who her last boss was, and she replies that it was Wolfgang Puck. She continues that she’s worried about her next encounter with her mentor. Tom informs her that it won’t be tonight, to which she nervously replies, “Good. You’re bad enough, chef.” That’s two conversations and two new competitors have made an enemy of Tom. Nice job.

Perhaps noticing this trend and seeking to avoid it, Carrie plays hide and seek with the head judge. I’m not joking hyperbolically here. She is up front about it in her confessional. Whenever she sees Tom, she goes and runs the other way. Tom does notice and eventually sneaks up on her ninja style.

While Carrie vents to Tom, we move along to Patty Vega. I can already tell that Patty is in trouble because she has obviously been crying at some point prior to this confessional. Top Chef Masters contestant David Burke trained her as his sous chef, so it’s clear that she has skills. If this confessional was filmed at the end of the episode, though, there’s a good chance that she is the one eliminated tonight. Her cause for concern is that she’s never cooked alligator before. The moral of the story? If you know the location of your top chef season, investigate the local cuisine and try a recipe or two.

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