Top Chef: New Orleans Recap
By David Mumpower
October 7, 2013
BoxOfficeProphets.com

I know you aren't impressed yet but watch me win Last Chance Kitchen! Hey, it could happen...

Previously on Top Chef, one of the best seasons in the history of the series ended with the three best chefs competing for the title. Sheldon Simeon, a master of Polynesian cuisine, narrowly missed placement in the final as he was surpassed by previously eliminated Kristen Kish. The Boston model turned culinary icon earned a return to the competition via Last Chance Kitchen, and she leapfrogged the most consistent performer last season, Brooke Williamson, to earn the title of Top Chef.

Frankly, season 10 is the pinnacle of Top Chef thus far. Yes, there were better chefs in seasons 4 and 6. There were also annoying personalities such as Robin Leventhal and Mike Isabella. Season 10’s only aggravating participant – you know who I mean – did reach a deeper point in the game than they merited, but there was even a silver lining in that turn of events. Kish utilized Last Chance Kitchen to attain revenge against the opponent whose failures caused Kish’s initial elimination. In the process, the entire premise of Last Chance Kitchen was validated. While I maintain that Brooke was never voted out of the competition so Kristen should have been forced to beat her twice in the interest of fairness, I have made my peace with that quibble.

Any honest evaluation of Top Chef Seattle would lead to the ultimate conclusion that four inordinately likeable people were the last players standing. Any of them would have been a worthy winner not only professionally but also as a role model for younger chefs. While the rest of Bravo TV is comprised of countless deplorable people given semi-celebrity by television, the Top Chef Seattle crew demonstrated that good people locked in tight competition still leads to the best reality programming. Hopefully, the producers of the show appreciate what was integral to the success of the most recent season and continue to cast in a similar manner. The “over the top” personalities like John Tesar only fit within the frame of the show if they can cook enough to justify their presence.

The wonderful news about the new season is that the setting is New Orleans. While Anthony Bourdain, currently the host of a competing cooking program, rightfully questioned the financing involved behind the production, the presence of Top Chef in the Big Easy should bring some joy to a depressed citizenry. Host Padma Lakshmi has been sampling the cuisine during an online competition wherein a pair of local chefs have earned placement in the competition. A better recapper would have taken the time to watch all of those episodes, but I have not had the free time to do so yet. Feel free to hold it against me.

The season begins with the arrival of Sara Johannes on a bus. How would I describe her? I would say that there must have been a time traveling accident that caused her to be transported from the set of her World War II pin-up calendar shoot. Ms. Johannes describes her look as “rockabilly, weirdo, that girl” or at least that is what others have called her. She does not shy away from the fact that she enjoys the attention that her odd ensembles attain.

I instantly decide that her desperate need to be noticed makes my heart sad before I eventually settle upon the opinion that she is fearless free spirit and I kind of love her. I imagine she has to spend almost all of her free time shopping for clothing on the internet to keep up the act, though. It’s either that or she cleaned out a Bettie Page yard sale and then never bought another piece of clothing the rest of her life.

Several other contestants are shown entering their new home. A dude named Jason cannot wait to tell the Bravo viewers that he was voted Philadelphia’s Sexiest Chef. I guess he is expecting the Save a Chef popularity contest from last season to return. It is either that or he is impossibly self-absorbed. Based upon every Bravo reality program except for Top Chef, I presume it’s the latter. Prove me wrong, #PhillySexy.

Jason quickly bros it down with his buddy Nick, who also happens to be in the competition. In the most nasal, George Costanza-y voice possible, Nick notes that Jason “looks like [he] just got off a yacht.” Jason magnanimously acknowledges the compliment then provides the rejoinder that “You look like your wife picked out your clothes.” Point to Kid Ego. Jason’s camera conversation is deferential to the talent of Nick. Mr. My Wife Dresses Me (and I’m not one to talk on this subject) is less polite, stating confidently that he is the better chef.

A beautiful native of Perth, Australia named Janine Booth provides the next introduction. Like Jason, Janine has put a lot of thought into her apparel for the introductory phase of Top Chef. She settled upon a ripped pair of Daisy Dukes. And just like that, Sara Johannes can live or die for all I care. Kidding. I kid. I really do because Janine proceeds to debate the validity of the dumb blonde stereotype. Suffice to say that in trying to refute the thought process, she effectively perpetuates it. None of the dudes there seem to care, though. They stutter and stammer as if they have never spoken to such a gorgeous woman in their entire lives. And they probably haven’t. At a minimum, she has to be one of the most attractive James Beard Award nominees ever.

A recognizable face is the next person to enter the room. Benedetto Bartolotta participated in the Battle of the Sous Chefs online challenge during the most recent season of Top Chef Masters. Alas, his Top Chef Master was Odette Fada, who was eliminated in the third episode. So Bene is still largely an unknown. What did come across during Battle of the Sous Chefs is his affable nature. Dude smiles so much his dentist doesn’t need x-rays to know the composition of Bene’s eye teeth.

Friendly Bene butchers his first Top Chef interview. “I could be the first Top Gay Chef. That just didn’t come out right.” In only two sentences, Bene lays claim to ALL the euphemisms.

Enter Shirley Chung. The lady talks a lot. I do not want to undersell the point. Recall the most talkative person you have ever known. Now add 30%. Okay, that is about half of how much Chung chats during the episode. I suspect she may say more than the rest of the cast combined in this episode. Hopefully, Ms. Chung is simply nervous and channeling all of her energy through her mouth. If not, well, I am eternally grateful to the wonderful inventor who created the mute button.

One of the winners of Padma’s competition is revealed next. Justin Devillier is a two-time James Beard nominee, while Michael Sichel was apparently his partner during the final challenge. Or something like that. Those online videos are only like 10 minutes long so I really ought to watch them. I resent Bravo’s shameless attempts to drive traffic to their web site, though. Anyway, Michael gets very little screen time during the introduction while Justin gets to detail his resume, so I presume one is quite a bit better than the other.

The most humorous moment during the introduction involves men of Chicago. Carlos and Aaron both work in the city, but they have never met. Carlos queries Aaron about his restaurant, and when the balding, bearded gentleman replies, Carlos has to politely pretend to know the place. Conversely, Aaron’s eyes light with recognition when Carlos identifies his place of work as Mexique. “Well, I know of you.” Aaron later confides to the camera that Carlos’ restaurant recently received a Michelin star. While Aaron seems terrified and insecure in the moment, his boss, Takashi Yagiashi, is a former Top Chef Master. This brief conversation reinforces how Top Chef has become a rite of passage for the rising chefs across the world.

One of the reasons this show is so great is that they get right down to business. Tom and Padma show up and announce that there will be no Quickfire and they’ll be heading straight for the Elimination Round. Several of the chefs haven’t even spoken on camera yet. We presume that anyone we don’t know is in a world of hurt.

Stephanie Cmar expresses surprise at the cold efficiency of the judges. Stephanie is also a familiar face. She was one of the potential Top Chef players last season who failed to earn an apron. What we did learn is that she’s a good friend of eventual winner Kristen Kish. While she denied it with her words, her body language showed that she wanted to be much more than just friends. Whether true or not, poor Stephanie had to watch helplessly as one of her closest friends became a champion. I’m sure she’s very happy for her friend, just as I’m sure nobody is egoless enough to find that turn of events anything other than humiliating. If Stephanie has a strong run this year, the mentor of both Kristen and Stephanie, Barbara Lynch, has a strong claim as the best eye for talent/developer of talent in the culinary profession.

Today’s challenge is to tap into the spirit of the food, culture and people of New Orleans. The chefs will be cooking deep in the Louisiana swamp and each of their dishes will highlight a local delicacy. Tom and Padma toss around beads to the contestants, and their necklaces indicate to them which protein they’ll be using, which include alligator, turtle and frog. Some of the people seem comfortable with it, while others act like they’ve never worked with these items before. Their dishes will be served to a group called the Dinner Lab, and keeping with the New Orleans theme, they’ll be handing out beads to chefs who present their favorite meals. The three with the most beads will finish on top.

Padma also takes an opportunity to remind us that two of the chefs are representing New Orleans. Since they already had to fight to earn their way into the competition, they are given immunity from elimination. Because there are 19 chefs, the odds of elimination are only increased from 5.3% to 5.9%. It is only at this moment that I realize there are 19 chefs this season. In the immortal words of Abraham Simpson, “please eliminate three.”

While driving to select their food, Michael displays a great deal of civic pride in his city, pointing out some of the local sites to the other chefs in the car. For their part, his competitors are there to win Top Chef, so they’re focusing on the dish they’ll be preparing rather than listening to his tourist information.

Bene has the most guilt of the competitors. He had a childhood pet, a turtle named Tim. Today, Tim is what’s for dinner. This is a first step toward Bene becoming Top Gay Pet Chef. ALL THE EUPHEMISMS!

Perhaps the weirdest confessional so far is claimed by Travis Masar, who somehow turns a discussion about his upcoming meal into an announcement of his fetish for Asian men. “I am a white guy who loves Asian food,” he says. His ex was Taiwanese and his current boyfriend is Vietnamese. What this has to do with alligator preparation I do not know. Maybe he needs alligator from the Pacific Ocean?

We are a full 15 minutes into the episode before that magical moment where the chefs put on their aprons for the first time. At the beginning, things are chaotic, with one chef falling down while another lights a skillet on fire. Top Chef turned into a Michael Bay film so gradually I hardly noticed.

The coolest confessional belongs to Nina Compton. She casually reveals that her dad once was the leader of St. Lucia, and I am not talking metaphorically. He was the Prime Minister and helped St. Lucia to attain independence from Great Britain during the 1970s. It’s true. He has a Wikipedia page and everything.

My favorite moment in the episode occurs when Bret Pelaggi notices Janine for the first time. His eyes bug out like he’s the wolf in the Looney Tunes cartoon. Clever editing shows her bend over to put a pan in the oven right as Bret breaks out into sweat. If Bret continues to see Janine for more than four hours, he’s going to need to consult a physician.

Tom Colicchio enters the kitchen and immediately watches Pretty Boy embarrass himself. Philadelphia’s sexiest chef is also Philadelphia’s bloodiest chef. Tom is mortified because he immediately sees blood in Jason’s food, and points out that he’s going to have to eat that later. Little does Tom know that he got lucky, because if that hadn’t happened, Jason would have talked about himself for five minutes.

Pin-up girl Sara reveals to Tom that she is working at the Minneapolis airport. The only logical conclusion I can make is that she’s a stripper, or possibly a pilot/flight attendant. Anyway, Sara reveals that she has gone out on her own because she feels that she was hiding behind her boss too much on her last couple of jobs. Tom wonders aloud who her last boss was, and she replies that it was Wolfgang Puck. She continues that she’s worried about her next encounter with her mentor. Tom informs her that it won’t be tonight, to which she nervously replies, “Good. You’re bad enough, chef.” That’s two conversations and two new competitors have made an enemy of Tom. Nice job.

Perhaps noticing this trend and seeking to avoid it, Carrie plays hide and seek with the head judge. I’m not joking hyperbolically here. She is up front about it in her confessional. Whenever she sees Tom, she goes and runs the other way. Tom does notice and eventually sneaks up on her ninja style.

While Carrie vents to Tom, we move along to Patty Vega. I can already tell that Patty is in trouble because she has obviously been crying at some point prior to this confessional. Top Chef Masters contestant David Burke trained her as his sous chef, so it’s clear that she has skills. If this confessional was filmed at the end of the episode, though, there’s a good chance that she is the one eliminated tonight. Her cause for concern is that she’s never cooked alligator before. The moral of the story? If you know the location of your top chef season, investigate the local cuisine and try a recipe or two.

Meet Ramon Bojorquez. He sounds like a fictional movie character because he claims that his prior career as an undefeated Muay Thai fighter has aided him as a chef. An underground fighter and master chef sounds like a David Mamet character who was betrayed by a friend only to attain revenge in the end. I know that’s not true, though, because he’s not swearing. Anyway, the lanky Arizonan is already in a world of hurt because his dashi is too hot. He is worried about bacteria rather than a tasty meal at the moment, which means he’s more worried about his health department score than his meal. He decides to use ice chips to lower the temperature of the dashi. I’m not a master chef, but even I think that sounds like a desperate ploy that he’s probably going to have to explain at Judges Table.

Day two in the home features the arrival of an even more famous celebrity judge. New Orleans’ favorite chef Emeril Lagasse shows up, and he brings beignets. After a few kind words, Emeril addresses the elephant in the living room. He exchanges pleasantries with Stephanie, the woman he deemed unworthy of a spot in Top Chef Seattle. Emeril notes that he is happy to see her return to the competition, but his lack of a “Bam!” makes me question his sincerity.

The chefs arrive at the swamp and have to set up their own equipment, which is fairly challenging since sometimes the flames don’t seem to go where they’re supposed to. Also, it’s hot and there are occasional alligators. Some of the chefs have to change their dishes on the fly, which is often a sign of future trouble at Judges Table.

Speaking of judges, they’re all headed toward the feast on a fun party boat. Along with Tom, Padma and Emeril, Top Chef Masters host Curtis Stone is also part of the group. They mingle with the guests, and we learn that Tom hates okra. One woman tries to convince him that her mom’s is the best, but he’s not buying it.

Since we do have 19 contestants, I’m going to forego describing each dish, but will cover the ones that the judges seem to like the most and the least in conversation. Nina’s curried turtle meatball is getting a lot of positive attention across the board, and she easily receives the most beads from the members of the Dinner Lab. When he tastes it, Emeril says, “Wow!” and Tom notes that it’s delicious. On the opposite side of the fence is Aaron, who worries that the pasta with his turtle confit and turtle ragout is too al dente. Sara wonders if her foot, a take on General Tso’s chicken, is too spicy. Padma says, “Holy sh!t that’s hot!” Curtis seems fine with the heat, for what it’s worth.

With regards to Ramon’s braised turtle with Thai dashi (and ice chips), Tom says, “It’s a little light.” Emeril agrees. Tom asks Jason whether he thinks that his frog legs were enough of a highlight in the dish, and the self-proclaimed hottie dodges the question by saying something like, “As long as you like it…”

The end of the service is drawing near, and Ramon and Patty are both hurting for beads, with only about two apiece. When they go to the stew room, they’re surprised that a closed circuit television pops on (and so are we), allowing them to hear the judges’ discussion. The commentary is primarily positive, including glowing reviews for Nina, Sara and Carrie, who needed this boost to her confidence. As for the least favorites, Aaron is mentioned, and he’s clearly embarrassed. Patty and Carlos are also identified as disappointments, along with Ramon and Beni.

Having to hear judges’ commentary in front of people they barely know is rough for those contestants who were singled out as having the least favorite dishes. The stew room is even more uncomfortable than it usually is.

When Padma arrives, she asks to see the three women who got the most attention during the discussion. That group includes Carrie, Nina and Sara. Curtis talks about the complexity of Sara’s dish as well as the outstanding heat. Nina is complimented for the tenderness of her turtle, and Carrie’s chilled frog leg, which surprised people in a very positive way. After the love fest is over, Curtis announces the winning chef as Nina, who follows in her father’s footsteps by making a power play and declaring herself Queen of the Swamp. It should be noted that chefs who win the first challenge generally have long runs into their season, so we should consider Nina a formidable contestant at this point.

Unfortunately, the title of Queen of the Swamp comes with responsibilities, and Nina announces that the judges want to see Aaron, Ramon and Patty. Aaron accepts the fact that choosing pasta as his dish was probably not the appropriate choice for cooking at a swamp. When it comes to Ramon’s dashi, Emeril says the flavor just wasn’t there. Ramon explains that he added ice to his dashi to cool it down, and Tom’s look of horror is extreme. They’re surprised that Patty even got a dish out. She says she was so worried about getting food on the plate that she eventually forgot the basics. At the end of the discussion, Curtis kindly tells them that their dishes weren’t bad, just not up to the standards set by several of the other chefs.

During their final discussion, the judges say that Aaron’s dish wasn’t as bad as the other two, so it comes down to Ramon and Patty. Tom states that Patty seemed lost, but when they get to Ramon and the fact that he iced the dashi, it’s pretty clear that they’re not going to get past that error in judgment. Tom and Emeril are still incredulous that he even tried it. And indeed, Padma tells Ramon to pack his knives and go. Before Ramon's exit, Tom loudly reminds the contestant of the silver lining. He still has a chance if he can beat a whole bunch of people at Last Chance Kitchen.

With the New Orleans setting, this season promises to be a lot of fun, with a lot of innovative challenges and potentially spectacular guest stars. In the preview of the season, Dr. John tells us, “It’s gonna be kickin’.” Bring it on.