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Moments later, the dishes are plated. Kristen presents a chicken liver mousse with frisée, mustard, prune, hazelnuts & pumpernickel. Despite all of the ingredients, the food takes up only a small portion of the plate. Kristen is a master of minimalism. The previous champions seem fairly nonplussed by the dishes. The judges, on the other hand, are on the cusp of orgasm. Only the nitpickiest of critiques is offered.

Brooke provides a fascinating looking dish of crispy pig ear & chicory salad, six-minute egg, apricot jam & candied kumquats. I hate to question Brooke’s usage of time but three-minute eggs would have left her with three more minutes to spend watching to make sure CJ did not burn the pig ears. Seriously, I have Googled the difference between three and six minute eggs and nobody on the entire internet seems to know what that is.

The judges start with kind words about the dish, but Emeril eventually reaches the moment of truth. He states that his crackling was overcooked. Brooke defends this preparation as a choice, stating that she wanted the dish to “have a little bite.” Padma mentions that her pig ears were not burned so the issue was not persistent. Hugh, always kind and thoughtful, mentions that Brooke has mastered the art of dressings and sauces.

There is no blind voting process. Each judge is provided the opportunity to look both contestants in the eye and select one as providing the better dish. Hugh quickly announces his support of Kristen. Gail follows with her consent and Emeril finishes with the third and final vote. Kristen wins the first course via unanimous decision and is now one third of the way toward the title of Top Chef. Whether CJ’s burning of the pig ears was the crucial issue is difficult to determine. Kristen’s dish may have been so exquisite that it could not have been beaten anyway.

An unintended but important aspect of the new judging format is revealed after the result. Padma firmly states, “Brooke, you need to catch up.” In announcing the results immediately, one player receives the adrenaline surge that stems from winning a round. The other one, in this case Brooke, is placed on tilt as they reel from the knowledge that their task just became that much more difficult. Brooke, the best player on Top Chef: Seattle, now has to win three out of the next four rounds in order to emerge victorious. The immediacy of the pressure is overwhelming.

Brooke’s secret weapon is old, bald and thumb-shaped. For no apparent reason, Stefan takes this opportunity to distract Kristen from the meal of her life. He tells her that he has chosen light blue. Predictably, she has no idea what this means since like so many of us, she doesn’t speak Creeper.

Stefan informs her that this will be the color of their baby’s bedroom. I would like to take this opportunity to state that the family and loved ones of both chefs are in the audience. Kristen, now is the time to profess your undying love for your neighbor/co-worker/not at all lesbian lover Stephanie. Your other option is breeding with Stefan. If you weren’t dabbling already, now is the time to go gay.

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