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Deus ex machina alert! Miles’ niece, Charlie, arrives just in time to shoot an arrow into a dude’s back (how heroic!). Then, she…leaves again. This really happens. We quickly learn this is a ploy in order to lure the henchman back to the show’s nerd (because all JJ Abrams shows have to have a nerd) who bayonettes a soldier American Gladiators style. Back inside, Miles slaughters the remaining underlings.

Only at this point does the leader of the group choose to engage Miles. Do you know when would have been a better time for the guy who is presumably the best fighter of the 15 to attack? When his minions still had a pulse. Fourteen minions and one boss is a good boss fight. Miles against one guy is the same as your being level 50 in a videogame when your opponent is level one. The boss quickly dies squirming on Miles’ blade, which I cannot say in a non-homoerotic manner.

If I made any of this sequence sound awesome, it is only because I’m a decent writer. If you believe nothing else I ever tell you, trust me when I say that this four minutes of television is unbearably bad. It’s like an episode of Hercules without the ironic understanding of the absurdity of the situation. This is Revolution best summarized. The show asks for more from the viewer than it delivers in return.

Loathe as I am to damn a project after only 45 minutes of footage, Revolution is a failure. I realize that the show has already been renewed for 22 episodes just as I know that its ratings have gone down each week thus far. Every episode disappoints more consumers as the constant, oppressive stupidity of the characters overwhelms the senses. Other than the thus far wasted presence of Billy Burke, I found absolutely nothing worthwhile in the pilot. After the first half of the season ends in December, I will post an updated evaluation of whether my opinion has changed. What I say with certainty right now is that a Kripke/Abrams/Favreau project should never fail to this degree. The pilot throws under what I would have believed to be the worst case scenario result.

Revolution is unwatchable.

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