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With Survivor airing this footage, we’re ready to triple the odds that Christina stays longer than Alicia. It’s obvious that Alicia has no friends in the production booth, including Probst.

To her credit, Christina takes the high road in the next segment. It seems that our voodoo is working, and Colton is complaining of a terrible headache. Along with the headache, he is having pain in his abdomen. Christina actually takes care of him and tries to soothe him. Colton is every bit as appreciative as you might expect. He refuses to believe she might do this out of the kindness of her heart, instead explaining it all away to ulterior motives.

Tarzan (who you may remember is a plastic surgeon), asks Colton to show him his tongue. After a cursory examination, Dr. Tarzan gives us his diagnosis. Colton is dehydrated, which may lead to tachycardia, kidney failure, and headache. We’re pretty sure he also meant to include zombie-ism, gingivitis and a busted hymen. Personally, we’re hoping for all of the above. The season won’t be complete until Colton receives the full “Scanners” experience.

Dr. Tarzan, who has had actual medical training, believes that Colton may have early appendicitis. We’re disappointed he doesn’t suggest this is pink eye.

Colton, whose urine color we didn’t know (but he told us anyway), lies pitifully in the forest, which is supposed to indicate he is in some discomfort. Since this is pretty much what he’s done around camp all season, we can see why no one would really notice a difference.

Christina finds him wallowing in his misery, and she has two choices. She can either run for help or she can kick Colton when he’s down. In spite of the fact that he chose the latter with her, she runs for the medical team. When they arrive, Colton describes symptoms that are almost assuredly appendicitis, which a brief medical exam confirms. When his stomach is pressed, his heart rate doubles.

We are going to resist every temptation to taunt this season’s villain for his misfortune, because we know that the kind people in the social media world will take care of that for us. Suffice to say that Colton needs to go to a hospital, which means that he is out of the competition. In the process, Alicia is fucked while Christina is saved, something Alicia recognizes immediately. We will go ahead and taunt her for her misfortune.

Alicia is furious when Colton decides to take his Immunity Idol home as a souvenir rather than give it to her. Reviewing her reversal of fortune, she voted off a female ally, she badmouthed the only other remaining woman on her tribe, and all she has left to show for it is a lost alliance with the remaining three men, none of whom seem to like her at all.

So…even though we haven’t had an Immunity Challenge, it’s time to play It’s Anyone But Alicia.

We’ll say what you’re all thinking: the rest of the episode is much more pleasant with Colton gone. Tree Mail arrives to tell both Salani and Manono that they are going to Tribal Council tonight. Salani has literally no idea what has been going on over at Manono the last couple of days, including Colton’s illness, and thus some of the players on the outs (i.e. Kat) are on pins and needles worrying about being voted out.

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